In September or so 1997, I bought a car. A used 1991 Chevrolet Cavalier. The memories that car holds for me. The furthest I've driven from home, north (Pineville) and south (Sumter) were in that car. First time I gave/got a hand job. First time I damned near got caught drunk driving. First time I drove in snow. In one way or another, I drove that car to meet every guy I've ever been with. I paid about $6000 for her and put about $2000 or more in her over the years to keep her going. I sat in the parking lot at work peeling the clear coat off when it started chipping. Gods only know how many other things with that car were a first and I'm just not remembering now.
I signed the title over to Brian a few months ago. Brian thought I'd cry then. Nope. But I did today. His parents bought a battery and took it today. I cried a bit seeing my baby and all my memories roll away.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Gay Movie List
I belong to a group that has started a movie thread on gay movies. Just trying to keep up with what I've seen or want to see. There are several in here that I know I won't watch. But if others see this they might want to, so I've left them in.
9 Dead Gay Guys
10 Attitudes
A Home at the End of the World
A Single Man
A Very British Sex Scandal
A Very Natural Thing
A Summer Dress (short)
Adam & Steve
Alkali, Iowa
All Over the Guy --- was good, but damned if I can remember how it ended...
Almost Normal
An Angel Named Billy --- good story but bad dialogue, acting and music
And The Band Played On --- more dealing with the arrival of HIV/Aids than romance
An Englishman In New York --- interesting though I haven't seen the intro (The Naked Civil Servant)
Angels In America
Another Country --- took a look but it didn't catch my attention
Another Gay Movie --- too beyond stupid to watch
Back Soon --- unusual but very sweet, HEA kind of
Beautiful Boxer --- wonderful story
Beautiful Thing --- beautiful movie! HEA
Bedrooms & Hallways --- a bit strange, but still pretty good
Bent --- strange and no HEA
Big Eden --- excellent!
Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss --- not too bad, no real HEA
Bishonen (Love Between Beautiful Youths)
Borstol Boy
Boy
Boy Culture --- pretty good, HEA
Boys Live 7 --- the only one I watched (almost) all of... think they're all depressing
Breakfast with Scot --- very cute!
Brokeback Mountain --- no HEA but a good story
Camp --- sort of a coming of age movie
Caravaggio
Chicken Tikka Masala --- silly and funny, HEA
Clapham Junction
Coffee Date
Cote D'Azur --- technically a HEA but a strange way to get there
Coming Out --- cannot find with english subtitles
Cowboys & Angels
C.R.A.Z.Y. --- realistic, no real HEA, but the guy has peace
Crutch
David's Birthday --- total side-swiping ending!
Defying Gravity --- a bit sweet, a bit sad, HEA
Denied --- kind of an open ending, not a bad film
Different For Girls --- post-op female, a bit strange, HEA
DO COMEÇO AO FIM --- for some, possibly a forbidden movie, HEA
Dorian Blues --- ok, but the ending was anti-climatic
Dream Boy --- good movie, but no HEA
Du Er Ikke Alene (You Are Not Alone) --- unusual, possibly forbidden, sort of HEA
Dog Tags
East Side Story
Eating Out --- caved and watched it, it's actually good!
Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds --- took two tries to watch, but worth it!
Eating Out: All You Can Eat --- silly and cute
Eating Out: Drama Camp --- sweet and cute
Eden's Curve --- told no HEA, but haven't seen
Edge of Seventeen --- not really an HEA, but the guy comes out ok.
Eleven Men Out
Eyes Wide Open --- knew an ending I wouldn't like was coming so didn't watch it all
Fashion Victims
Fish Out Of Water --- discusses whether homosexuality is actually a sin or not
Fit --- examines the appearance of gay or straight, insightful, excellent movie
Food Of Love
For a Lost Soldier --- strangely sweet if forbidden
Formula 17
Fucking Different (short collection) --- CANNOT find anywhere online!!
Get Real --- not bad
Get Your Stuff --- very cute, HEA
Girls Will Be Girls
Gohatto (Taboo) --- um, not real sure how it ended, kind of confusing
Gone But Not Forgotten
Head On --- strange, not sure what the point really was, a bit sad
Hedwig and the Angry Inch
I think I Do
In the Gloaming --- told HIV/Aids no HEA
Is it Just Me? --- silly, but cute
Jeffrey --- HIV/Aids, HEA
Judas Kiss
Just A Question of Love --- very real and touching
Just One Time (1999)
Kick Off --- campy, odd-ball, some sweet parts, sort of HEA
Kinky Boots
Kiss Me Guido
Kiss The Bride
La Mission
Lan Yu
Latter Days --- very cute, HEA
Leather Jacket Love Story --- want to see but can't find online
Leo's Room --- sweet, sort of HEA
Lilies
Long Term Relationship
Longtime Companion --- HIV/Aids HEA of sorts, well made, similar to And The Band Played On
Love! Valour! Compassion! --- funny, bittersweet, sad, beautiful
Love of Siam --- very engrossing and sweet
Love Songs
Luster
Make the Yuletide Gay --- really cute holiday movie! HEA
Making Love
Mambo Italiano
Mandragora --- cannot find with english subtitles
Mango Souffle
Maurice
Milk
My Beautiful Launderette --- tried to watch it. didn't catch my attention
My Own Private Idaho --- odd, no HEA
Mysterious Skin --- disturbing story on coming to grips with being a sexually abused child, well made, very realistic
Oh Happy Day --- a bit strange, but really cute, HEA
One To Another --- strangely disturbing, but not bad
Paragraph 175 --- documentary, touching and heart-wrenching
Parabens
Parting Glances
Patrik, 1.5 --- want to see but can't find online
Philadelphia (1993)
Plan B --- HEA
Plata Quemada (Burnt Money)
Poster Boy --- interesting story on politics and homosexuality, HEA of sorts
Prayers for Bobby --- won't watch it, suicide and how a religious mother deals with it
Prick Up Your Ears
Presque Rien (Come Undone) --- cannot find with english subtitles
Priest --- not bad but I'd have liked a happier ending
Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
Prodigal Sons --- disturbing and strange
Quinceanera --- a mix of english and spanish with no subtitles, can't understand enough of it
Rainbow Boys/Right By Me --- cannot find online or torrent!!
Redwoods
Regarding Billy
Relax... It's Just Sex --- funny, sad, serious, a bit of it all
Rock Haven --- it's got its cute moments, but no HEA
Role/Play --- cute, funny, HEA
Save Me --- better than I expected, HEA
Say Uncle
Sebastian --- cannot find this one under this title, possibly the Adventures of Sebastian Cole, but not sure
Seth et Holth
Shank
Shelter --- sweet, HEA
Shortbus --- beautiful, sad, funny, compelling, deep, exploratory, provocative, SO not what I expected!
Sommersturm (Summerstorm) --- very sweet, sort of HEA
Sordid Lives
Stonewall (1995)
Straight Jacket
Straightman
Strapped --- weird but not bad
Struggle --- sad
Sugar
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Tan Lines --- I'm actually at a loss to describe this except... fucked up ending to the relationship!
Taxi Zum Klo (Taxi To The Toilet) --- um... weird...
That's What I Am --- more about tolerance than anything
The Best Of Boys In Love --- strange... just strange...
The Big Gay Musical --- musical part is hilarious and the rest is very real and sweet
The Birdcage
The Boys In The Band --- tried to watch it but too campy and silly for my taste
The Broken Hearts Club --- sweet and funny
The Bubble
The Celluloid Closet (Documentary)
The Crying Game --- sad, no HEA
The Curiousity of Chance --- very cute, sweet, HEA
The Hanging Garden
The Houseboy --- no HEA shown, but leaves you hopeful for one
The Line of Beauty
The Man I Love --- want to see, but haven't found yet
The Man Who Loved Yngve
The Mostly Unfabulous Life Of Ethan Green --- very nice but a bit weird, HEA
The Singing Forest
The Sum of Us --- several sad parts, but overall a good movie, HEA of sorts
The Trip
The Wedding Banquet --- it was ok. HEA but still...
The Wolves of Kromer --- rather cute, sort of sad, sort of weird, HEA in a strange way
Three
Times Have Been Better --- want to see, but cannot find with english subtitles
Torch Song Trilogy
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar
Trage Liefde
Trick --- kind of campy, but cute, HEA
Trio (three Michael J Saul shorts)
True Love (group of short stories)
Twist --- dark and sad
Un Jour D'Ete (A Day In Summer)
Velvet Goldmine --- not sure if it's a HEA or not, but still, very interesting
War Stories
Were The World Mine --- it was actually good!
Wilde
Worried About The Boy --- about Boy George
XXY --- didn't like it, no real resolution either good or bad
You'll Get Over It --- very sweet, a coming out story with a HEA
Yossi & Jagger --- interesting story, no HEA
SHORT MOVIES:
(I've watched all of these. If there's no comment afterwards, it was an ok film. Most I watched on Youtube, but some were on other sites like Alluc, Putlocker, Dailymotion, etc.)
41 Seconds --- hilarious
Achilles
After
A Hundred and Eleven --- break up movie, but sweet
Amor Crudo
Basketball & Math --- kind of sweet
Benny's Gym
Boys Grammar --- kind of confusing
Breakfast --- don't get it
Café com Leite (Coffee with Milk)
Chicken --- so sad
Coffee --- funny and very cute!
Connected --- don't get it
Davy & Stu
Dear Friend
Dish
Doorman --- sad and a bit cruel
Doors Cut Down
Fair Play --- sad
Gabriel & Leo --- very cute and sweet!
Heart --- confronting his ex about getting married
Heartland
Housemates
Into The Night
James --- so very sad
Judas Kiss --- strange and rather depressing
Kali Ma
Late Summer --- sad but very poignant
Lucky Blue
Park Bench --- looks good, but sad
Protect Me From What I Want --- sweet, hopeful
Omar --- being outed, sweet
Rock Bottom --- another kind of don't get it
Running Without Sound
Safe Journey
Secrets --- rather sweet, HEA of sorts
Silver Road
Stand Up --- excellent short on the power of standing up against bullying
Summer
Summer Blues --- sweet and a bit innocent
Take Out --- kind of strange
That Thing We Do
The Burning Boy --- sad
The Young Prime Minister
Thermopylae --- don't get it
Trevor
What Grown-Ups Know --- nothing happy
Who We Are --- cute, HEA
You Can't Curry Favor --- very romantic, HEA
You, Me and Him
9 Dead Gay Guys
10 Attitudes
A Home at the End of the World
A Single Man
A Very British Sex Scandal
A Very Natural Thing
A Summer Dress (short)
Adam & Steve
Alkali, Iowa
All Over the Guy --- was good, but damned if I can remember how it ended...
Almost Normal
An Angel Named Billy --- good story but bad dialogue, acting and music
And The Band Played On --- more dealing with the arrival of HIV/Aids than romance
An Englishman In New York --- interesting though I haven't seen the intro (The Naked Civil Servant)
Angels In America
Another Country --- took a look but it didn't catch my attention
Another Gay Movie --- too beyond stupid to watch
Back Soon --- unusual but very sweet, HEA kind of
Beautiful Boxer --- wonderful story
Beautiful Thing --- beautiful movie! HEA
Bedrooms & Hallways --- a bit strange, but still pretty good
Bent --- strange and no HEA
Big Eden --- excellent!
Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss --- not too bad, no real HEA
Bishonen (Love Between Beautiful Youths)
Borstol Boy
Boy
Boy Culture --- pretty good, HEA
Boys Live 7 --- the only one I watched (almost) all of... think they're all depressing
Breakfast with Scot --- very cute!
Brokeback Mountain --- no HEA but a good story
Camp --- sort of a coming of age movie
Caravaggio
Chicken Tikka Masala --- silly and funny, HEA
Clapham Junction
Coffee Date
Cote D'Azur --- technically a HEA but a strange way to get there
Coming Out --- cannot find with english subtitles
Cowboys & Angels
C.R.A.Z.Y. --- realistic, no real HEA, but the guy has peace
Crutch
David's Birthday --- total side-swiping ending!
Defying Gravity --- a bit sweet, a bit sad, HEA
Denied --- kind of an open ending, not a bad film
Different For Girls --- post-op female, a bit strange, HEA
DO COMEÇO AO FIM --- for some, possibly a forbidden movie, HEA
Dorian Blues --- ok, but the ending was anti-climatic
Dream Boy --- good movie, but no HEA
Du Er Ikke Alene (You Are Not Alone) --- unusual, possibly forbidden, sort of HEA
Dog Tags
East Side Story
Eating Out --- caved and watched it, it's actually good!
Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds --- took two tries to watch, but worth it!
Eating Out: All You Can Eat --- silly and cute
Eating Out: Drama Camp --- sweet and cute
Eden's Curve --- told no HEA, but haven't seen
Edge of Seventeen --- not really an HEA, but the guy comes out ok.
Eleven Men Out
Eyes Wide Open --- knew an ending I wouldn't like was coming so didn't watch it all
Fashion Victims
Fish Out Of Water --- discusses whether homosexuality is actually a sin or not
Fit --- examines the appearance of gay or straight, insightful, excellent movie
Food Of Love
For a Lost Soldier --- strangely sweet if forbidden
Formula 17
Fucking Different (short collection) --- CANNOT find anywhere online!!
Get Real --- not bad
Get Your Stuff --- very cute, HEA
Girls Will Be Girls
Gohatto (Taboo) --- um, not real sure how it ended, kind of confusing
Gone But Not Forgotten
Head On --- strange, not sure what the point really was, a bit sad
Hedwig and the Angry Inch
I think I Do
In the Gloaming --- told HIV/Aids no HEA
Is it Just Me? --- silly, but cute
Jeffrey --- HIV/Aids, HEA
Judas Kiss
Just A Question of Love --- very real and touching
Just One Time (1999)
Kick Off --- campy, odd-ball, some sweet parts, sort of HEA
Kinky Boots
Kiss Me Guido
Kiss The Bride
La Mission
Lan Yu
Latter Days --- very cute, HEA
Leather Jacket Love Story --- want to see but can't find online
Leo's Room --- sweet, sort of HEA
Lilies
Long Term Relationship
Longtime Companion --- HIV/Aids HEA of sorts, well made, similar to And The Band Played On
Love! Valour! Compassion! --- funny, bittersweet, sad, beautiful
Love of Siam --- very engrossing and sweet
Love Songs
Luster
Make the Yuletide Gay --- really cute holiday movie! HEA
Making Love
Mambo Italiano
Mandragora --- cannot find with english subtitles
Mango Souffle
Maurice
Milk
My Beautiful Launderette --- tried to watch it. didn't catch my attention
My Own Private Idaho --- odd, no HEA
Mysterious Skin --- disturbing story on coming to grips with being a sexually abused child, well made, very realistic
Oh Happy Day --- a bit strange, but really cute, HEA
One To Another --- strangely disturbing, but not bad
Paragraph 175 --- documentary, touching and heart-wrenching
Parabens
Parting Glances
Patrik, 1.5 --- want to see but can't find online
Philadelphia (1993)
Plan B --- HEA
Plata Quemada (Burnt Money)
Poster Boy --- interesting story on politics and homosexuality, HEA of sorts
Prayers for Bobby --- won't watch it, suicide and how a religious mother deals with it
Prick Up Your Ears
Presque Rien (Come Undone) --- cannot find with english subtitles
Priest --- not bad but I'd have liked a happier ending
Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
Prodigal Sons --- disturbing and strange
Quinceanera --- a mix of english and spanish with no subtitles, can't understand enough of it
Rainbow Boys/Right By Me --- cannot find online or torrent!!
Redwoods
Regarding Billy
Relax... It's Just Sex --- funny, sad, serious, a bit of it all
Rock Haven --- it's got its cute moments, but no HEA
Role/Play --- cute, funny, HEA
Save Me --- better than I expected, HEA
Say Uncle
Sebastian --- cannot find this one under this title, possibly the Adventures of Sebastian Cole, but not sure
Seth et Holth
Shank
Shelter --- sweet, HEA
Shortbus --- beautiful, sad, funny, compelling, deep, exploratory, provocative, SO not what I expected!
Sommersturm (Summerstorm) --- very sweet, sort of HEA
Sordid Lives
Stonewall (1995)
Straight Jacket
Straightman
Strapped --- weird but not bad
Struggle --- sad
Sugar
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Tan Lines --- I'm actually at a loss to describe this except... fucked up ending to the relationship!
Taxi Zum Klo (Taxi To The Toilet) --- um... weird...
That's What I Am --- more about tolerance than anything
The Best Of Boys In Love --- strange... just strange...
The Big Gay Musical --- musical part is hilarious and the rest is very real and sweet
The Birdcage
The Boys In The Band --- tried to watch it but too campy and silly for my taste
The Broken Hearts Club --- sweet and funny
The Bubble
The Celluloid Closet (Documentary)
The Crying Game --- sad, no HEA
The Curiousity of Chance --- very cute, sweet, HEA
The Hanging Garden
The Houseboy --- no HEA shown, but leaves you hopeful for one
The Line of Beauty
The Man I Love --- want to see, but haven't found yet
The Man Who Loved Yngve
The Mostly Unfabulous Life Of Ethan Green --- very nice but a bit weird, HEA
The Singing Forest
The Sum of Us --- several sad parts, but overall a good movie, HEA of sorts
The Trip
The Wedding Banquet --- it was ok. HEA but still...
The Wolves of Kromer --- rather cute, sort of sad, sort of weird, HEA in a strange way
Three
Times Have Been Better --- want to see, but cannot find with english subtitles
Torch Song Trilogy
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar
Trage Liefde
Trick --- kind of campy, but cute, HEA
Trio (three Michael J Saul shorts)
True Love (group of short stories)
Twist --- dark and sad
Un Jour D'Ete (A Day In Summer)
Velvet Goldmine --- not sure if it's a HEA or not, but still, very interesting
War Stories
Were The World Mine --- it was actually good!
Wilde
Worried About The Boy --- about Boy George
XXY --- didn't like it, no real resolution either good or bad
You'll Get Over It --- very sweet, a coming out story with a HEA
Yossi & Jagger --- interesting story, no HEA
SHORT MOVIES:
(I've watched all of these. If there's no comment afterwards, it was an ok film. Most I watched on Youtube, but some were on other sites like Alluc, Putlocker, Dailymotion, etc.)
41 Seconds --- hilarious
Achilles
After
A Hundred and Eleven --- break up movie, but sweet
Amor Crudo
Basketball & Math --- kind of sweet
Benny's Gym
Boys Grammar --- kind of confusing
Breakfast --- don't get it
Café com Leite (Coffee with Milk)
Chicken --- so sad
Coffee --- funny and very cute!
Connected --- don't get it
Davy & Stu
Dear Friend
Dish
Doorman --- sad and a bit cruel
Doors Cut Down
Fair Play --- sad
Gabriel & Leo --- very cute and sweet!
Heart --- confronting his ex about getting married
Heartland
Housemates
Into The Night
James --- so very sad
Judas Kiss --- strange and rather depressing
Kali Ma
Late Summer --- sad but very poignant
Lucky Blue
Park Bench --- looks good, but sad
Protect Me From What I Want --- sweet, hopeful
Omar --- being outed, sweet
Rock Bottom --- another kind of don't get it
Running Without Sound
Safe Journey
Secrets --- rather sweet, HEA of sorts
Silver Road
Stand Up --- excellent short on the power of standing up against bullying
Summer
Summer Blues --- sweet and a bit innocent
Take Out --- kind of strange
That Thing We Do
The Burning Boy --- sad
The Young Prime Minister
Thermopylae --- don't get it
Trevor
What Grown-Ups Know --- nothing happy
Who We Are --- cute, HEA
You Can't Curry Favor --- very romantic, HEA
You, Me and Him
Monday, April 16, 2012
Work People
I think I mentioned in my last post about people I work with. Shallow, red-neck, homophobic... etc. I've had it shown to me this last week, thank gods, that not everyone is that way. Let me talk about two of them.
One, a guy, was working in my area a couple weeks ago. It's the first time I've spent an extended amount of time around the guy. I like discussions on unusual issues and held true to form. We talked about different stuff and music became one. As I'm a fan of Adam Lambert, I brought him up. Of course, the guy uses one or two derogatory terms... typical. In the general conversation, he brought up something that had happened to him. Let's call him Jim. Jim's in a bar, drunk as shit, talking to some guy. Then his brother calls him over and Jim is so drunk he only picks up a few words of what his brother is saying. Those words are "queer" and "sitting next to you". Then the guy he'd been talking to comes over and puts his hand on his shoulder and tries to continue their conversation. Jim knocks the crap out of him.
HOW does this make sense? This other guy hadn't done anything wrong. Jim also tells me about his uncle (with the disclaimer he'd NEVER do anything like this) and how he and his friends used to get guys they thought were gay to go camping or something with them. Then they'd zip them in their sleeping bag and beat them. Wish like hell I had more info cuz I'd sure as fuck call and inform their local police!! Unfortunately, I think this is stuff that happened many years ago. At least that's the impression I got.
And there is the first example. Now to the better one.
A new girl started last week. To start with, I thought I was being stuck with some bitch that was going to make my night miserable. I've seen what happens when you give someone a chance and open up a bit.
She explained it to me. I outrank her and as a new hire, they've been warned to be wary of us. (Sucks to work where I do). When another supervisor came in and she saw how I interacted with him, she thought I was ok. But then again, this is another supervisor I'm talking to, not someone her rank. Then another girl comes in, same rank as the new girl (call her Gayle), and I talk the same way with her. This makes Gayle open up a bit and we start getting to know each other. Her best friend is a gay guy (mine is a gay girl), she's Wiccan, I'm pagan (not a huge difference really), we understand each other SO well! We've both had the thought it is shocking we aren't related. I've found we differ on music a bit and on personal preferences. She's a dominant personality and I'm submissive. And she doesn't like guys in makeup... she says it's not right for a guy to be prettier than her... lol!!
It's amazed me that I feel I've made a friend!! But there's a catch. We work together. We have a "law" at work there can be no romantic/intimate relationships between co-workers. Unfortunately, this now seems to also encompass friendships to a degree. Camaraderie at work is already in the gutter... discouraging friendship among the staff does NOT help the situation.
Gayle's got her best friend coming down here too. I'd thought maybe getting to know her maybe we could hang out. With her friend coming, I could get to know him too. What if someone sees us hanging out? She's new and it could jeopardize her job. It's not like there's anything between us because neither of us swings that way and she's got a family. But I'm seeing what I thought would be a new friendship fail before it even starts.
It breaks my heart. I'm only around the people I work with. Who would I hang out with outside work, maybe go places with where I could meet new people? The answer is no one. I stay home. Alone. With 10 cats.
One, a guy, was working in my area a couple weeks ago. It's the first time I've spent an extended amount of time around the guy. I like discussions on unusual issues and held true to form. We talked about different stuff and music became one. As I'm a fan of Adam Lambert, I brought him up. Of course, the guy uses one or two derogatory terms... typical. In the general conversation, he brought up something that had happened to him. Let's call him Jim. Jim's in a bar, drunk as shit, talking to some guy. Then his brother calls him over and Jim is so drunk he only picks up a few words of what his brother is saying. Those words are "queer" and "sitting next to you". Then the guy he'd been talking to comes over and puts his hand on his shoulder and tries to continue their conversation. Jim knocks the crap out of him.
HOW does this make sense? This other guy hadn't done anything wrong. Jim also tells me about his uncle (with the disclaimer he'd NEVER do anything like this) and how he and his friends used to get guys they thought were gay to go camping or something with them. Then they'd zip them in their sleeping bag and beat them. Wish like hell I had more info cuz I'd sure as fuck call and inform their local police!! Unfortunately, I think this is stuff that happened many years ago. At least that's the impression I got.
And there is the first example. Now to the better one.
A new girl started last week. To start with, I thought I was being stuck with some bitch that was going to make my night miserable. I've seen what happens when you give someone a chance and open up a bit.
She explained it to me. I outrank her and as a new hire, they've been warned to be wary of us. (Sucks to work where I do). When another supervisor came in and she saw how I interacted with him, she thought I was ok. But then again, this is another supervisor I'm talking to, not someone her rank. Then another girl comes in, same rank as the new girl (call her Gayle), and I talk the same way with her. This makes Gayle open up a bit and we start getting to know each other. Her best friend is a gay guy (mine is a gay girl), she's Wiccan, I'm pagan (not a huge difference really), we understand each other SO well! We've both had the thought it is shocking we aren't related. I've found we differ on music a bit and on personal preferences. She's a dominant personality and I'm submissive. And she doesn't like guys in makeup... she says it's not right for a guy to be prettier than her... lol!!
It's amazed me that I feel I've made a friend!! But there's a catch. We work together. We have a "law" at work there can be no romantic/intimate relationships between co-workers. Unfortunately, this now seems to also encompass friendships to a degree. Camaraderie at work is already in the gutter... discouraging friendship among the staff does NOT help the situation.
Gayle's got her best friend coming down here too. I'd thought maybe getting to know her maybe we could hang out. With her friend coming, I could get to know him too. What if someone sees us hanging out? She's new and it could jeopardize her job. It's not like there's anything between us because neither of us swings that way and she's got a family. But I'm seeing what I thought would be a new friendship fail before it even starts.
It breaks my heart. I'm only around the people I work with. Who would I hang out with outside work, maybe go places with where I could meet new people? The answer is no one. I stay home. Alone. With 10 cats.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Strange Things
Yes, this post will ramble greatly.
I have a tendency to get attached to stuff. Back when I first started doing online chat, I was religious about being in the room at certain times and meeting with my friends. I've even attended "online" drinking parties. When I started with Catster, I was in there constantly. When I started with Facebook, again, I was in there ALL the time. I guess it's a type of obsessive issue. About a year ago, I found something called Yaoi. It's basically gay Japanese manga/anime. It's been years since I had any friends like that, but I always enjoyed the company of gay men. For the most part they have such open and enjoyable natures. Like everyone, there are moments of depression or anger, but in general I've always liked being around them. Finding this genre of writing thrilled me. Then a friend introduced me to the American version (sort of). Male/Male erotic romance. And here we go again.
I do NOT like romance because I always see it as something I can't have. I've never seen myself settling down, marrying, having kids, the whole nine yards like most girls. But, I'm still a romantic, of sorts, so I do want to read about it. M/M gives me the perfect outlet. I'm ok knowing I'll never have what I read, because, hey, I'm a girl, but I can enjoy the wonder of romance again. And I've thrown myself into it, deeply. Also, it got me to missing the circle of friends I used to have.
When I was in college, one of the girls I hung with was bi-sexual and most of the guys were gay. My best friend recently found a woman she's happy with as well, though in school she never revealed herself to be inclined that way. Kind of pisses me off because, straight or not, I had a little thing for her in college. It's those people I miss, or that type anyway. Open, friendly, accepting, fun... none of what I'm around these days. Most people where I work are closed minded, homophobic or just generally not accepting of things that are different.
True, most are ok with me. I'm not christian and that gives some pause, but they don't judge me for it. But I get strange looks when I talk about whatever I'm reading at the moment or watching-found SO many beautiful gay romance movies or shorts. And now my musical likes are coming into play.
This was my intro to Adam Lambert:
Purely by chance, I came across Adam Lambert. Gods, this guy is hot. And his music is wonderful!! This is the type of stuff I truly enjoy listening to. It's not depressing or disturbing. It's deep but fun, bouncy and totally enjoyable. The fact that I have a thing for his type doesn't hurt. Tall, lean, pierced, tats, makeup... ~sigh~ And him making out with that sexy as hell bassist is just too hot for words, though the bassist is straight. And there is my dream guy. Someone so secure in their sexuality, they're not afraid to do something like that. Tommy Joe Ratliff may wear makeup, he may kiss a man in public, but he's a better man than most I know. A man that doesn't follow what society says is correct, but does what he wants.
Only thing is, these men are few and far between. And even if I met one, I've got so many issues of my own, could I get him? Would I want to? How is it possible to want a relationship with a guy and yet be scared of the same thing? And I have no idea where this post is going really.
A friend of mine, who would be perfect if he were gay, keeps trying to convince me I'm worth something. I say "perfect if he were gay" because that would make him safe. I SO miss having a friend I can talk about anything with or act just any way around and not have to worry about anything being taken wrong. I adore my friend, but I'm not attracted to him. That makes me wary sometimes because I don't want anything I say or do taken the wrong way.
I only know one guy I can be this way with and he's... unavailable. Work prevents us from even being friends anymore pretty much. With us, the attraction goes both ways AND I can talk with him about absolutely anything. I miss him deeply. Lately, this had led me to really wishing I had gay male friends so I could have that closeness with someone again, even if not physically. I miss being me. I miss having the freedom to not care what others think or say. It's actually had me in tears a few times recently realizing exactly how lonely and pitiful I am.
I have a tendency to get attached to stuff. Back when I first started doing online chat, I was religious about being in the room at certain times and meeting with my friends. I've even attended "online" drinking parties. When I started with Catster, I was in there constantly. When I started with Facebook, again, I was in there ALL the time. I guess it's a type of obsessive issue. About a year ago, I found something called Yaoi. It's basically gay Japanese manga/anime. It's been years since I had any friends like that, but I always enjoyed the company of gay men. For the most part they have such open and enjoyable natures. Like everyone, there are moments of depression or anger, but in general I've always liked being around them. Finding this genre of writing thrilled me. Then a friend introduced me to the American version (sort of). Male/Male erotic romance. And here we go again.
I do NOT like romance because I always see it as something I can't have. I've never seen myself settling down, marrying, having kids, the whole nine yards like most girls. But, I'm still a romantic, of sorts, so I do want to read about it. M/M gives me the perfect outlet. I'm ok knowing I'll never have what I read, because, hey, I'm a girl, but I can enjoy the wonder of romance again. And I've thrown myself into it, deeply. Also, it got me to missing the circle of friends I used to have.
When I was in college, one of the girls I hung with was bi-sexual and most of the guys were gay. My best friend recently found a woman she's happy with as well, though in school she never revealed herself to be inclined that way. Kind of pisses me off because, straight or not, I had a little thing for her in college. It's those people I miss, or that type anyway. Open, friendly, accepting, fun... none of what I'm around these days. Most people where I work are closed minded, homophobic or just generally not accepting of things that are different.
True, most are ok with me. I'm not christian and that gives some pause, but they don't judge me for it. But I get strange looks when I talk about whatever I'm reading at the moment or watching-found SO many beautiful gay romance movies or shorts. And now my musical likes are coming into play.
This was my intro to Adam Lambert:
Purely by chance, I came across Adam Lambert. Gods, this guy is hot. And his music is wonderful!! This is the type of stuff I truly enjoy listening to. It's not depressing or disturbing. It's deep but fun, bouncy and totally enjoyable. The fact that I have a thing for his type doesn't hurt. Tall, lean, pierced, tats, makeup... ~sigh~ And him making out with that sexy as hell bassist is just too hot for words, though the bassist is straight. And there is my dream guy. Someone so secure in their sexuality, they're not afraid to do something like that. Tommy Joe Ratliff may wear makeup, he may kiss a man in public, but he's a better man than most I know. A man that doesn't follow what society says is correct, but does what he wants.
Only thing is, these men are few and far between. And even if I met one, I've got so many issues of my own, could I get him? Would I want to? How is it possible to want a relationship with a guy and yet be scared of the same thing? And I have no idea where this post is going really.
A friend of mine, who would be perfect if he were gay, keeps trying to convince me I'm worth something. I say "perfect if he were gay" because that would make him safe. I SO miss having a friend I can talk about anything with or act just any way around and not have to worry about anything being taken wrong. I adore my friend, but I'm not attracted to him. That makes me wary sometimes because I don't want anything I say or do taken the wrong way.
I only know one guy I can be this way with and he's... unavailable. Work prevents us from even being friends anymore pretty much. With us, the attraction goes both ways AND I can talk with him about absolutely anything. I miss him deeply. Lately, this had led me to really wishing I had gay male friends so I could have that closeness with someone again, even if not physically. I miss being me. I miss having the freedom to not care what others think or say. It's actually had me in tears a few times recently realizing exactly how lonely and pitiful I am.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)