I doubt anyone actually reads this but... working on the past tense already so forgive me if it skips around any.
Tomorrow morning (8-29-11), my brother will most likely be gone.
On Tuesday morning, he had a stroke. 45 years old. Turns out the symptoms he'd had that the doctor put down to a virus in his inner ear were actually the symptoms of an oncoming basilar artery thrombosis. Just found out today he'd fallen at work Monday, but hadn't told his wife. I think he knew it was coming.
My brother could be an ass. A big one. But for once, the last time we were all together, he and I didn't fuss about anything. There weren't any babies for him to try to make me hold... lol! He never understood I didn't like little ones.
He always did his best by all of us and helped in a pinch. He worked for the SC DOT. Anytime I saw a cat or dog killed in the road, I could call him and he'd make sure someone got them up before they were harmed further. He wasn't that fond of cats but he had the same great love of animals I do. He saw two beagle pups by the road, passed them by and just couldn't leave them. That brought his dog count to, I believe, seven. From 80 pounds down to three.
Our father passed away in 2001. Mitchell is making it just over 10 years after him. The men on my father's side of the family don't tend to live to be really old men. My father was 56, his father was about 55. The only one I know of to grow old was my great-grandfather who was in his late 70s or early 80s. Turns out Mitchell had just had a conversation with someone this past Sunday about this same fact. He knew he was sick and didn't tell anyone didn't he?
Halloween is going to be hard for me now. My brother and I were always the huge Halloween fans. He would plan for months and do elaborate set ups to scare all the kids... even a few adults. I know this year, I won't do Halloween. The first time in many years. What I will do is probably this... part of his set up was a huge bunch of tombstones with his and the family's names on them and stupid sayings. I think I'll get his and put it out there alone this year with some of those solar lights to light it. A tribute to the one who made kids screams heard all the way across town more than once. The guillotine was one of his best... kids had to reach under it for candy. It was hilarious to hear the screams from my house about a mile away.
When he would come to my door, he would bang on it with one hand and ring the doorbell with the other and scare the crap out of me and the cats. I'll actually miss that.
I asked Mitchell to please see if he can find his best friend and tell him I love him. His best friend as a child was the love of my life. That man's mother feels like she's losing another son now.
He was the one who pulled a pincher bug off my toe when I was about four. He was the first one to let me steer a truck when I was about six. He was the one who came to tell me when my father was diagnosed terminal and hugged me when I was 27. It's hard to realize he won't be there anymore for anything I might need help with. He won't borrow something and not return it. He won't try to make me hold his grandchildren. He won't offer to have his 80 pound lab come "play" with my cats. He won't anything anymore. Why can't I wake from this dream?
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Ever Wonder?
I had a strange dream yesterday, but I only remember one thing from it. Shirlee calling me her daughter-in-law. Requires some background to explain.
When I was about 5 or 6, we moved to a new place and had new neighbors. My brother became best friends with the guy who lived closest to us, Johnny. He was 6 years older than me and not sure how it happened, but he was my first boyfriend. Secret from everyone else so far as I know, but there ya go. My first kiss (on top of the hay in the barn), first time I "saw" a guy (in the woods near some clubhouse shack thing my brother had), first love, first heartbreak. When I was 8, I told Johnny I wouldn't kiss him anymore. Strange the lines that stick when you remember SO little of your past. He walked away from me. He never treated me badly or was mean. I remember a kitten I had named Winkie. Me, him and my brother were outside, shooting fireworks or something, and I went in the house for something and asked Johnny to hold Winkie for me. When I came back out, he had Winkie tucked into his Member's Only jacket to keep him warm. *heart melts* Why did I break up with him again?
Anyway, on the night February 10, 1984, there was an accident. Mama woke me the next morning and told me Johnny was gone. I totally lost it. Cry now thinking about it and how the future had changed so quickly. In a split second, a moment of fear and stupidity cost me my world. This is what I recall as being pieced together from the aftermath. Johnny hated being home alone. He'd gotten a pistol out and was sitting on his parent's bed. The dog in the house apparently jumped onto the bed behind him and scared him and he dropped the gun. When it hit the floor it fired and he was gone. I don't know if the bullet is still in the rafters of the house or not, but I doubt it. Surely the police removed it. There were powder burns on the cuff of his pants (so I was told) so it was determined accidental. It crosses my mind sometimes wondering if I was lied to and it wasn't an accident. I reacted so badly to the loss my family may have covered it. Either way, my future was gone. I couldn't SEE one without him. Years of serious emotional issues and suicide attempts (hidden from family) followed this disaster.
Do you wonder what your life would have been like if one pivotal moment hadn't happened? I do. After that dream, I'm doing so again. Shirlee could have been my mother-in-law now. I might have had kids, might have lived somewhere else, any number of 'might haves'. I don't know if any of my family knows how I felt about him, feel about him. I still see him at 17 being goofy. I still see him showing me how he was becoming a man at about 15 (second time I "saw" a guy. ;) On the back of the hay truck-see a hay theme in our relationship? LOL!) I miss him every day and this dream made it a little harder to stand.
There have been times my dreams have been prophetic. This scares me right now since I can't remember anything else in the dream. I know the voice was kind of weak is all. I asked my sister to contact her to see if everything's alright.
You see, Shirlee's health really isn't good. I don't know the exact names of everything, but she shakes very badly. Parkinson's maybe? She is diabetic (curse of the Mt Dew I too love too much). I think she's been diagnosed with mesothelioma as well. I'm not in a lot of contact with the family, only usually see her once a year if she comes to the family cookout, but I look forward to it. Love seeing her and at those times, it makes me smile to think what might have been. Would we have gotten back together? Even though we both moved on, we always stayed close and he seemed to still like me. Would I have been her daughter-in-law? Or would it still have only been a dream?
When I was about 5 or 6, we moved to a new place and had new neighbors. My brother became best friends with the guy who lived closest to us, Johnny. He was 6 years older than me and not sure how it happened, but he was my first boyfriend. Secret from everyone else so far as I know, but there ya go. My first kiss (on top of the hay in the barn), first time I "saw" a guy (in the woods near some clubhouse shack thing my brother had), first love, first heartbreak. When I was 8, I told Johnny I wouldn't kiss him anymore. Strange the lines that stick when you remember SO little of your past. He walked away from me. He never treated me badly or was mean. I remember a kitten I had named Winkie. Me, him and my brother were outside, shooting fireworks or something, and I went in the house for something and asked Johnny to hold Winkie for me. When I came back out, he had Winkie tucked into his Member's Only jacket to keep him warm. *heart melts* Why did I break up with him again?
Anyway, on the night February 10, 1984, there was an accident. Mama woke me the next morning and told me Johnny was gone. I totally lost it. Cry now thinking about it and how the future had changed so quickly. In a split second, a moment of fear and stupidity cost me my world. This is what I recall as being pieced together from the aftermath. Johnny hated being home alone. He'd gotten a pistol out and was sitting on his parent's bed. The dog in the house apparently jumped onto the bed behind him and scared him and he dropped the gun. When it hit the floor it fired and he was gone. I don't know if the bullet is still in the rafters of the house or not, but I doubt it. Surely the police removed it. There were powder burns on the cuff of his pants (so I was told) so it was determined accidental. It crosses my mind sometimes wondering if I was lied to and it wasn't an accident. I reacted so badly to the loss my family may have covered it. Either way, my future was gone. I couldn't SEE one without him. Years of serious emotional issues and suicide attempts (hidden from family) followed this disaster.
Do you wonder what your life would have been like if one pivotal moment hadn't happened? I do. After that dream, I'm doing so again. Shirlee could have been my mother-in-law now. I might have had kids, might have lived somewhere else, any number of 'might haves'. I don't know if any of my family knows how I felt about him, feel about him. I still see him at 17 being goofy. I still see him showing me how he was becoming a man at about 15 (second time I "saw" a guy. ;) On the back of the hay truck-see a hay theme in our relationship? LOL!) I miss him every day and this dream made it a little harder to stand.
There have been times my dreams have been prophetic. This scares me right now since I can't remember anything else in the dream. I know the voice was kind of weak is all. I asked my sister to contact her to see if everything's alright.
You see, Shirlee's health really isn't good. I don't know the exact names of everything, but she shakes very badly. Parkinson's maybe? She is diabetic (curse of the Mt Dew I too love too much). I think she's been diagnosed with mesothelioma as well. I'm not in a lot of contact with the family, only usually see her once a year if she comes to the family cookout, but I look forward to it. Love seeing her and at those times, it makes me smile to think what might have been. Would we have gotten back together? Even though we both moved on, we always stayed close and he seemed to still like me. Would I have been her daughter-in-law? Or would it still have only been a dream?
Sunday, March 13, 2011
A Year
Over a year since I've been here. Surprise huh? LOL!
Last I was in, Gaia was being evaluated for surgery. It was done February 2, 2010. They lost her in recovery but were able to get her back. Even though I was told starting out with she's ok, my heart nearly stopped. After her recovery and removal of stitches, she's no longer the sweet cuddly girl she was. It's like she KNEW the reason she no longer hurt was the removal of that leg and she felt there was no reason for her to suck up to me or be nice on car rides. I'd fulfilled the need she had (remove the pain) so she no longer had need to be nice. She still gives me headbutts and kisses and sometimes lays in my lap, but it's nothing like before. I can hold her for a bit, but then she'll start growling and the little bitch bites. ;) Must be something about being a prison cat because Zilla is almost exactly the same way! LOL!
Since the last post, I've also become a mama again. Chiara was born @ May 1. Her mom is Spot (whom I finally caught and had fixed around October). Next is Pewter, born @ June 12. Her mom was Pretty Bit (whom I caught and had fixed in September). She was killed by some idiot driver on October 29 and is buried near my Tigger out at mama's place. The last two are Speckle and Miska, born on August 13, right in the little house on the front porch. They are Spot's last litter. I trapped her when they were old enough to do without her a few days.
Chiara's litter had a penchant for getting in the engine of my car. I gave one to the neighbors behind me and one to an old friend. The other two I brought in and someone I work with adopted one and as I'd always wanted a white cat, I kept Chiara. Turns out they were a bit too young to take, but did well. Chiara will still suck on a blanket once in a while. ;)
Pewter was one of a litter of two. Her sister was adopted by a guy I work with and is doing well in her new home with a labrador brother.
Speckle and Miska were a litter of three, their brother (only the second male I know of out of 12 kittens over the years-one died young and I don't know what sex it was) was adopted by another guy I work with. He too is doing well and is finally calming down after eating fish from the tank and breaking some of his mom's china. Miska is available for adoption, but I'm not sure on Speckle. She seems to have some kind of issue with her legs/hips.
Other than the kitties, nothing much has changed. Work sucks, but that's to be expected. I'd really love to enjoy my job again but don't see it happening anytime soon. The new governor hasn't done us much good as she's given her personal staff huge raises and we've suffered two more paycuts that are almost solely on the Dept of Corrections. Nothing on the Troopers, DOT and only a bit on the teachers. The new guy selected to be the director of the department was confirmed last week so we'll see what he does to us next. Hoping it's not bad. And hoping they don't consider closing the prison. I'll be screwed. The next closest one is 45 minutes away!
Brian is doing well enough. He's a senior this year. He's applied to the Art Institute of Charleston for culinary classes. There's discussion of him doing his math, english, etc at the local college then transferring the credits down there. But it'll depend on grades and such. He still hasn't taken SATs as there's another kind of test the Institute uses so I don't know what's going to be done on that point.
My car is still giving me fits. In December I spent $500 and January $300. It's embarrassing, but mama bought a vehicle for me. No way can I afford one. It's having some work done, which again she's paying for, so I don't have it yet. She's asked if I want hers since all the issues are pretty much worked out, but I drove the newer one and really like it. The ride isn't as rough. Her's has a very stiff suspension and will beat you up on a rough road... lol! The newer one is a 2001 Isuzu Rodeo. Mine is a 1991 Chevrolet Cavalier. It's been around since I got out of high school so that means it's about 20 years old. Speaking of, I haven't heard anything about my reunion yet... wondering if I'll bother to do. Didn't last time.
That's about it in a nutshell. My birthday is Tuesday. I'll be 38. Staring 40 in the face isn't bothering me... yet. Having lunch at mama's today. My request was salad with all the fixings... not sure how that'll go over with everyone else... lol!! Me, mama, Debbie and Brian will be ok, but the rest might be a little put out. Oh well, it's MY birthday. ;)
Last I was in, Gaia was being evaluated for surgery. It was done February 2, 2010. They lost her in recovery but were able to get her back. Even though I was told starting out with she's ok, my heart nearly stopped. After her recovery and removal of stitches, she's no longer the sweet cuddly girl she was. It's like she KNEW the reason she no longer hurt was the removal of that leg and she felt there was no reason for her to suck up to me or be nice on car rides. I'd fulfilled the need she had (remove the pain) so she no longer had need to be nice. She still gives me headbutts and kisses and sometimes lays in my lap, but it's nothing like before. I can hold her for a bit, but then she'll start growling and the little bitch bites. ;) Must be something about being a prison cat because Zilla is almost exactly the same way! LOL!
Since the last post, I've also become a mama again. Chiara was born @ May 1. Her mom is Spot (whom I finally caught and had fixed around October). Next is Pewter, born @ June 12. Her mom was Pretty Bit (whom I caught and had fixed in September). She was killed by some idiot driver on October 29 and is buried near my Tigger out at mama's place. The last two are Speckle and Miska, born on August 13, right in the little house on the front porch. They are Spot's last litter. I trapped her when they were old enough to do without her a few days.
Chiara's litter had a penchant for getting in the engine of my car. I gave one to the neighbors behind me and one to an old friend. The other two I brought in and someone I work with adopted one and as I'd always wanted a white cat, I kept Chiara. Turns out they were a bit too young to take, but did well. Chiara will still suck on a blanket once in a while. ;)
Pewter was one of a litter of two. Her sister was adopted by a guy I work with and is doing well in her new home with a labrador brother.
Speckle and Miska were a litter of three, their brother (only the second male I know of out of 12 kittens over the years-one died young and I don't know what sex it was) was adopted by another guy I work with. He too is doing well and is finally calming down after eating fish from the tank and breaking some of his mom's china. Miska is available for adoption, but I'm not sure on Speckle. She seems to have some kind of issue with her legs/hips.
Other than the kitties, nothing much has changed. Work sucks, but that's to be expected. I'd really love to enjoy my job again but don't see it happening anytime soon. The new governor hasn't done us much good as she's given her personal staff huge raises and we've suffered two more paycuts that are almost solely on the Dept of Corrections. Nothing on the Troopers, DOT and only a bit on the teachers. The new guy selected to be the director of the department was confirmed last week so we'll see what he does to us next. Hoping it's not bad. And hoping they don't consider closing the prison. I'll be screwed. The next closest one is 45 minutes away!
Brian is doing well enough. He's a senior this year. He's applied to the Art Institute of Charleston for culinary classes. There's discussion of him doing his math, english, etc at the local college then transferring the credits down there. But it'll depend on grades and such. He still hasn't taken SATs as there's another kind of test the Institute uses so I don't know what's going to be done on that point.
My car is still giving me fits. In December I spent $500 and January $300. It's embarrassing, but mama bought a vehicle for me. No way can I afford one. It's having some work done, which again she's paying for, so I don't have it yet. She's asked if I want hers since all the issues are pretty much worked out, but I drove the newer one and really like it. The ride isn't as rough. Her's has a very stiff suspension and will beat you up on a rough road... lol! The newer one is a 2001 Isuzu Rodeo. Mine is a 1991 Chevrolet Cavalier. It's been around since I got out of high school so that means it's about 20 years old. Speaking of, I haven't heard anything about my reunion yet... wondering if I'll bother to do. Didn't last time.
That's about it in a nutshell. My birthday is Tuesday. I'll be 38. Staring 40 in the face isn't bothering me... yet. Having lunch at mama's today. My request was salad with all the fixings... not sure how that'll go over with everyone else... lol!! Me, mama, Debbie and Brian will be ok, but the rest might be a little put out. Oh well, it's MY birthday. ;)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Egads!
See? There's a reason I got a D in composition... I suck at coming back to write anything... lol!!
Well, my little girl goes for her evaluation tomorrow for surgery to removed her left front leg. I'm ok with it now. I had been ok with it in the beginning, but her vet said there was a good chance it could be saved. Yeah, but not by me. With my work schedule her compresses weren't done as often as needed in the first place. Then if she fussed or cried, I didn't have the heart to hurt her. Then there's the fact I'm a lazy sucker. All in all, I still think it'll be best for it to be gone. She'll heal quicker from surgery and plenty of cats cope well with three legs... though most are missing a back leg. I've got to post something in the forums to ask about missing a front one.
Otherwise, all is as usual here. Work is still a pain, though we don't have furlough at the moment so my paycheck went up a bit. With insurance increases, no furlough only means my check went up about $9.00... lol! Still a chance we'll have to do some though... the people who decide that meet again end of February or beginning of March. Yippee.
My step-father left my mama. They were never legally married... just got old saying my mother's fiance... lol! She's ok with it and insists the rest of us not just cut him off. He called my mama a bitch... regardless of the fact she is one, she was never one to him... just people who piss her off. We were all good to him and he was to us so this strikes me kind of wrong. I know he's got issues from Vietnam and all... I guess some of that played a part too... plus I think his health issues and financial stuff dragged him down too.
My sister still hasn't found a job. It's a year next month since she worked. She took a class through the unemployment office for call center training, but there's still no word if the company is even coming to this area. She still really wishes she could make a go of her etsy site, Catcessities. Even if it isn't a full income, if she could make some decent money from it, she'd stick with it. She makes the best toys and mats. She does people stuff like scarves and hood/scarf combos. She was going to make a pocket book the other day with old jeans... don't know yet how it turned out. I just don't know how to get the word out about her store. I've posted in the girls diaries and there are links on their pages. I've got it up in the Catster Marketplace but I think I'm the only one that shops from there. I've posted on Facebook. The stuff she's put in auctions got good prices but I don't know if that's because they liked her stuff or just because of the auction.
Well, my little girl goes for her evaluation tomorrow for surgery to removed her left front leg. I'm ok with it now. I had been ok with it in the beginning, but her vet said there was a good chance it could be saved. Yeah, but not by me. With my work schedule her compresses weren't done as often as needed in the first place. Then if she fussed or cried, I didn't have the heart to hurt her. Then there's the fact I'm a lazy sucker. All in all, I still think it'll be best for it to be gone. She'll heal quicker from surgery and plenty of cats cope well with three legs... though most are missing a back leg. I've got to post something in the forums to ask about missing a front one.
Otherwise, all is as usual here. Work is still a pain, though we don't have furlough at the moment so my paycheck went up a bit. With insurance increases, no furlough only means my check went up about $9.00... lol! Still a chance we'll have to do some though... the people who decide that meet again end of February or beginning of March. Yippee.
My step-father left my mama. They were never legally married... just got old saying my mother's fiance... lol! She's ok with it and insists the rest of us not just cut him off. He called my mama a bitch... regardless of the fact she is one, she was never one to him... just people who piss her off. We were all good to him and he was to us so this strikes me kind of wrong. I know he's got issues from Vietnam and all... I guess some of that played a part too... plus I think his health issues and financial stuff dragged him down too.
My sister still hasn't found a job. It's a year next month since she worked. She took a class through the unemployment office for call center training, but there's still no word if the company is even coming to this area. She still really wishes she could make a go of her etsy site, Catcessities. Even if it isn't a full income, if she could make some decent money from it, she'd stick with it. She makes the best toys and mats. She does people stuff like scarves and hood/scarf combos. She was going to make a pocket book the other day with old jeans... don't know yet how it turned out. I just don't know how to get the word out about her store. I've posted in the girls diaries and there are links on their pages. I've got it up in the Catster Marketplace but I think I'm the only one that shops from there. I've posted on Facebook. The stuff she's put in auctions got good prices but I don't know if that's because they liked her stuff or just because of the auction.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Out of Town
As much as I hate it, I'll be out of town all next week. My sister will be coming by to take care of the girls. This should be the last time my job forces me to go to the Academy, thank gods!! I am NOT looking forward to this in the least, but I don't have a choice. I hate leaving Gaia knowing how much care she needs and that Debbie can only come by once a day. I'm hoping I can talk her into finding time before class in the morning for at least a quick stop as Gaia needs her antibiotic twice a day. I'll have to teach Debbie this weekend how to do her compress. She bloody hates getting the cream put on after now!! Screams like I'm killing her, but the vet has already told me it's just that she doesn't want it done, it's not hurting her. Already got a major attitude... lmao!!
She'll keep the leg, but it's going to be best to have that one foot declawed when she's old enough. With her not using the toes and the claws not retracting, it's too likely she could get hung on something and hurt herself. I've seen the damage that can be done to a cat who's foot works fine when they get hung up. Zilla's done it a few times, once with bloody results.
The vet also said it'll be about 6 months for skin to really be clear on where it's died off. I think under her arm pit is going to take the longest as she can't extend the leg so there's less circulation of air under there. He said there's also a chance fur WILL grow back. :D She'll go back in two weeks for her first vaccinations... don't really want to get them done as I don't like the things, but with where she came from, a few rounds of shots are needed. She'll also get her FIV and Flk testing. Praying both are negative.
In the mean time, she's just a bouncy little kitten who looks really rough... lol!!
She'll keep the leg, but it's going to be best to have that one foot declawed when she's old enough. With her not using the toes and the claws not retracting, it's too likely she could get hung on something and hurt herself. I've seen the damage that can be done to a cat who's foot works fine when they get hung up. Zilla's done it a few times, once with bloody results.
The vet also said it'll be about 6 months for skin to really be clear on where it's died off. I think under her arm pit is going to take the longest as she can't extend the leg so there's less circulation of air under there. He said there's also a chance fur WILL grow back. :D She'll go back in two weeks for her first vaccinations... don't really want to get them done as I don't like the things, but with where she came from, a few rounds of shots are needed. She'll also get her FIV and Flk testing. Praying both are negative.
In the mean time, she's just a bouncy little kitten who looks really rough... lol!!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Button Added
Added a button for a website I just saw. A friend posted a link about Stonewall in his Facebook. They've got a campaign, "Some People Are Gay. Get over it!". Wish they'd have something like that here. It's designed to help stop the homophobic bullying in UK schools. A GOOD THING!!!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I Like
Ok. Facebook is fun... I admit it... lol! I like the games. Clark got me hooked on Farkle and I found one similar to Bejeweled. The My Kitten is cool too. Found another friend from college I think. Sent her a message to check. Another one I'd looked for here and there over the years and wondered what happened to her.
The new baby is doing good. Gaia got her compresses this morning and ended up getting mad. Some of the skin is peeling back so I was trimming it a bit and there was... hell... I guess you'd just call it 'crud' in places so I was picking it off to keep the area clean for putting on the Dermalone. Well, one place appears to be pretty tender and she gave a good yelp to let me know! Going to call and see if Saturday or Monday will be best to take her back in to let the vet have a look at what's loosened up already. I'm sure they'll be able to clean her up much better than me... I'm so worried about hurting her. I'm glad she's doing well though!!
The new baby is doing good. Gaia got her compresses this morning and ended up getting mad. Some of the skin is peeling back so I was trimming it a bit and there was... hell... I guess you'd just call it 'crud' in places so I was picking it off to keep the area clean for putting on the Dermalone. Well, one place appears to be pretty tender and she gave a good yelp to let me know! Going to call and see if Saturday or Monday will be best to take her back in to let the vet have a look at what's loosened up already. I'm sure they'll be able to clean her up much better than me... I'm so worried about hurting her. I'm glad she's doing well though!!
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