And Another One

Lilly on the left, Kittanna on the right

A bit of an update on Lilly first. Finally, after three years of tests, she's been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. Her thyroid is working overtime and that's why she's lost all the weight and is having other health issues. She's barely over 6 pounds now, but is maintaining. Medication isn't an option as yet. Her values are still borderline.

Took Kittanna to the vet for a loose tooth. Wanted them to run blood work, too, since she's getting older (16) and has lost some weight. She's approaching borderline hyperthyroid, too. And the tooth needs to come out, but it's a fang so it's a serious surgery. The vet said he'll have to cut into her gum line some and create what he called a bone flap to protect her sinus cavity. These teeth run very close to the cavity and that can be a problem if not treated carefully. If it breaks on its own, it could break into that cavity. So it MUST come out. The surgery will be $600 to $700. The only way for me to get it is to charge it on the Care Credit card I have for vet use. The balance is already over $3000 from all the work to save Gaia and to diagnose Lilly.

Lilly is going to need further blood work to monitor her. Kittanna will be needing that now as well. All that on top of the huge amount needed for removal of Kittanna's tooth.

I've created a Go Fund Me account and am begging. If anyone can donate something towards this, I would be deeply appreciative. Any donation of $10 or more, I'll make the donor one of the blank journal books I have on etsy. I started trying to sell stuff there to help with vet bills, but it's not generating much interest.

I'm doing my best by my kits, but I need some help.

Go Fund Me: Vet Expenses

Paper Paw Crafts

I Saw the Reflection

Walking into the hospital where my mother was about to have another catheterization, I saw my reflection in the glass.

Not too long ago, I got rid of the majority of my clothes. I've faced that they'll never fit again. I sold what I could at a yard sale and donated the rest. Nice clothes, worn out clothes, fancy bras, and beautiful heels. Some stuff barely worn. One item still with the tag. Some shoes in boxes with barely a scuff. Fat people don't dress fancy.

A lady at the yard sale traded me a bunch of her stuff for mine so I got several items in larger sizes. Some really pretty stuff. Thing is, the neck is larger and my bra shows. I'm not quite the size needed to fill a few of them out. No biggie. I'll probably get there whether I want to or not. Most of the pants and capris fit. But I know capris look stupid on fat people. Still. They fit.

Bought a few things on ebay too. Got a tshirt, on a site, that the image on it is made by a writer friend. So I've got clothes that fit me now.

I knew the day would be a long one, so I wore a set of dark blue capris. The back of them is really, really baggy. Despite my size, I have no butt whatsoever. Thanks Daddy. And I wore a white top that has little cartoon hearts and stuff on it. Didn't look too bad and it was comfortable for all the sitting and waiting I'd be doing.

Then I saw the reflection when I walked into the hospital. I wanted to run back home and hide. It's not a new feeling. Dieting does nothing for me. Diet medicine does nothing after one round built up a tolerance in my system after three months. Exercise is damned near impossible. After 16 years in my job, my feet and ankles are shot. One knee is bad and the other is going to follow soon. My back bothers me to the point I don't even sleep in my own bed anymore. I sleep in a recliner.

Between this, and genetics, I'm screwed. I remember when I had a jaw line. Now I hate pictures of myself. I remember when I had a waist line. Now I try not to look in full length mirrors. I remember when getting laid wasn't a miracle.

I've never been small. The least I've weighed as an adult was 180 lbs. That was after nine months in college and some serious use of speed-type pills. But now I have a job that does drug tests. Can't go there anymore. It might show and then I'd be out of work. I've smoked for years, but now it's more a way to not eat to at least not completely turn into a whale. A hippo's ass is big enough. That's what I saw in the reflection.

Today was the follow-up appointment for my mother and I was going to go with her. I wore the jeans I'd gotten on ebay. Boot cut, but they don't look too awful. And the tshirt I got with my friend's cartoon pic on it. It says "Beautifully f*cked up never looked so good." It has the star, not the full word. Mama doesn't like it, but I'm trying not to look too bad in public. Normal people don't like seeing fat people. If I wear something kind of loose, maybe it'll just look like big clothes and not a big person. Mama got all ill that I was wearing it. I was trying to look halfway decent to be seen in public with her, but guess I failed. Guess the reflection doesn't care what I wear. It'll never be good enough.

Trans and Gender Non-Conforming Kids

I came across a blog several weeks ago. Raising My Rainbow. It's the story of life with a gender non-conforming child. It's wonderfully written and an amazing peek inside the world of a family trying to let their child be what she wants. It got me looking around and I came across a few more sites. He Sparkles and Trans Kids Purple Rainbow. He Sparkles is about another gender non-conforming child who was born a male, but prefers feminine things and behaving as a female, like Raising My Rainbow. The Purple Rainbow is geared more towards children who literally feel they were born into the wrong body, that a mistake was made somewhere along the line.

I don't have biological children. I never will. But I find myself thinking of if I did have a baby. What would I want for them? I'd want them to be able to be anything they wanted in life. I saw an article a while back about tweets that people wrote to their (potential) children saying they would kill them if they were gay. I know it must be hard for the parents of a gay, non-conforming, or transgender child, but I also see so much joy. To have a child so wonderfully unique! To see them come to know themselves and be who they feel they are inside. I cannot imagine being a parent who rejects their child when confronted with something a little outside the norm.

Reading these blogs and articles, I imagine that once the parents accepted who their child says they are, there had to be so many wonderful moments. A 20/20 with Barbara Walters talked about the first time a dad took his biologically male daughter shopping for girl clothes and the joy she expressed at finally, finally being able to be who she felt she was. Not only did these people bring a new life into this world, they're now able to help that life find it's way in so many more ways than if they solely identified with their biological sex. The difficulties the children have to deal with are things no child should have to suffer, trans or not. To have parents that stand by them, support them, and love them is such a blessing.

I know this post may be a bit confusing, but I've just found myself thinking over the last few weeks how wonderful it must be to have a child like this. A child so special and one-of-a-kind.

Homemade Thousand Island Dressing

You can't put something on Pinterest unless it's already on the web. ;)

I remember making this as a kid. Cheaper than buying a bottle. These days, I make it because what comes in a bottle just doesn't taste right. It always seems to taste like vinegar to me. So I thought I'd share. :) I've got a niece who doesn't even like Thousand Island dressing and she'll eat this!

No precise measurements. You can just make it in proportion to approximately what I have listed. It's according to taste and the kind of mayo you use. A stronger tasting mayo may require a bit more ketchup to balance the taste.

2T mayonnaise

2t ketchup

1t dill pickle relish

paprika

Just put it all in a cup or bowl, mix, and pour on the salad. You can add a tiny bit of water if it's too thick for your liking. Depending on the size of your salad and how much dressing you like, that's enough for one or two salads... one for me.

(DUH! I actually LOOK and the next button over on Pinterest is to upload the thing... lol!)

Lilly Update

This is my Lilly. :) She looks big in this photo, but she's not. She's between 6 1/2 and 7 pounds, about three pounds below her normal weight. She's just really fluffy and kind of squinched up in my lap.

She's been through a rough year but it hanging in there. For a while, I thought I was going to have to let her go, but she's surprised me. While there isn't an exact diagnosis yet, she's being treated for hepatomegaly (enlarged liver) and cardiomegaly (enlarged heart). The heart issue is very recent, like two weeks ago. In addition to being on Reglan (anti-nausea), prednisolone (steroid) and a multi-vitamin, she's now on Enalapril. This is a vascular medication that opens her vessels so her heart isn't having to work so hard to pump blood. After months of watching her to see if she was still breathing, I was an expert on her breathing patterns. A week before her appointment, I'd noticed her breaths were quicker than normal and informed the vet. He seemed surprised I caught it so early, but it's a good thing. While her heart is slightly enlarged, there's no damage or major issues yet. She's on a very tiny dose of Enalapril, just .25ml. At least this one comes in chicken flavour... lol!

End of a Long Year

Well, it's all over but the fireworks. I'm trying to look back and find good things in this year. Not easy. Lilly is still with me, though she's still very sick. My roof (for the moment) isn't leaking thanks to my sister's husband patching two places on it. I've still got a job, even though the check doesn't cover what I need it to. I've still got nine kitties in the house to make me smile. I've got a home and a truck. I've got my mama and sister and her family. I've read bunches of really good books and found new authors I like.

Politically, I was able to smile seeing same-sex marriage legalized in a few more states. Got to see pot legalized in a couple of places. Wish both were where I live!! I've seen people make great strides towards equality and freedom.

I've read some good blogs, seen lots of funny pictures, and gotten to adore friends' kitties from wonderful pics and videos.

I do hope for next year to be better, for myself and everyone else. If you're out celebrating tonight, have a designated driver or a way to get home. Be safe and have a fun new year!

And Then There Were Nine

Zilla \z(il)-la\ as a girl's name is of Hebrew origin, and the meaning of Zilla is "shadow". Biblical name revived by the Puritans. Rather popular in the 19th century. (http://www.thinkbabynames.com)


I am no longer a house of 10. Monday, October 29, 2012, I lost my little black cat, Zilla. For years she was my fat kitty kitty, but in January she started losing weight. I'd switched foods in December and didn't think anything of it. She was very overweight for her build, and was still eating normally, so I didn't worry. Also, at the same time, I was back and forth to the vet with Lilly, who was losing weight as well, but NOT eating. Zilla seemed fine.

Sunday night, I picked her up to trim her claws and started the normal routine. I'd gotten two paws done when I felt her breathing hard. I did a third paw and realized her breathing was getting really bad. I sat her up and tried to calm her. Zilla never really shook off her feral beginnings and was never one for being easily handled or pet. After a moment, I put her down and she lay down on the floor just resting and breathing quickly.

This was the last time I got to take a picture of my Zilla. Lilly had a standing appointment with the vet so I took Zilla along. She meowed in the car, but not as much as usual. At the vet she started open-mouthed breathing again, but seemed calm enough. When her turn came and I took her out of the carrier, I saw how bad it was. Her chest was heaving rapidly and she was panting for air. The vet came in and listened to her heart and lungs and did some poking and prodding. As I said, Zilla hates to be touched. Being strangers made it so much worse. Normally she'd have been muzzled, but with her breathing, it wasn't an option. It was decided an xray was needed to see what was going on in her chest. Her lungs were clear, but the vet couldn't even count her heart rate. It was over 300 beats a minute. He was concerned about fluid around it and seemed to think it was cardiomyopathy. Her heart wasn't getting enough oxygen to her blood and she was breathing faster to try to help. This in turn made her heart race even more. A cycle that wouldn't end well.

With Zilla as wild as she was, sedation would be required for the xray. I understood the risk of the medication in the state she was in, but it was the only way to get answers to help treat her. I left her there and came home to wait for the call when the xrays were done.

Less than 30 minutes after I was home, the phone rang. The lady at the desk was very solemn when she told me Dr Wylie wanted to talk to me. I started to panic. I guess the anticipation of the news was what did it, but I literally felt the sharpest pain in my chest, like I'd been stabbed. Dr Wylie told me her heart had stopped and they were trying to get her back. He was going to try for about 5 more minutes and call me back. When Gaia had her surgery, they lost her in recovery and didn't call me until she was resuscitated and recovering. Calling me before anything was known told me how bad it was.

About 10 minutes later, the phone rang. My black baby was gone. I know Dr Wylie did all he could. He knows how much I love my babies. I told him I wanted to see her and would be there. My sister rushed over to take me as I didn't trust myself to drive.

Louie, the vet tech, brought her out to me. He was crying and hugged me. My little girl looked so peaceful laying there, wrapped in a towel. I didn't take the camera because I didn't want a picture of her like that. I talked to her for a bit, pet her, and cut a little bit of fur off her belly to keep. She'd had a bald belly for years due to how fat she was and it had only recently grown back. My sister and nephew got to pet her too, really for the first time.

What happened was explained to me. They'd given her a small dose of sedative and then tried to bring her out for the xray, but she started panicking and her breathing skyrocketed again. Dr Wylie decided to give her a bit more as it was so harmful for her to be in the state she was in. Her heart couldn't take the panic or the second dose. Louie told me her heart stopped about two seconds after the second dose. They put her on oxygen and gave her medicines and did CPR but her little heart was too tired. 11 years, 7 months, 19 days after her birth, 11 years, 1 month, 19 days after moving her attitude into my home and life. My shadow was gone.