Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Ever Wonder?

I had a strange dream yesterday, but I only remember one thing from it. Shirlee calling me her daughter-in-law. Requires some background to explain.

When I was about 5 or 6, we moved to a new place and had new neighbors. My brother became best friends with the guy who lived closest to us, Johnny. He was 6 years older than me and not sure how it happened, but he was my first boyfriend. Secret from everyone else so far as I know, but there ya go. My first kiss (on top of the hay in the barn), first time I "saw" a guy (in the woods near some clubhouse shack thing my brother had), first love, first heartbreak. When I was 8, I told Johnny I wouldn't kiss him anymore. Strange the lines that stick when you remember SO little of your past. He walked away from me. He never treated me badly or was mean. I remember a kitten I had named Winkie. Me, him and my brother were outside, shooting fireworks or something, and I went in the house for something and asked Johnny to hold Winkie for me. When I came back out, he had Winkie tucked into his Member's Only jacket to keep him warm. *heart melts* Why did I break up with him again?

Anyway, on the night February 10, 1984, there was an accident. Mama woke me the next morning and told me Johnny was gone. I totally lost it. Cry now thinking about it and how the future had changed so quickly. In a split second, a moment of fear and stupidity cost me my world. This is what I recall as being pieced together from the aftermath. Johnny hated being home alone. He'd gotten a pistol out and was sitting on his parent's bed. The dog in the house apparently jumped onto the bed behind him and scared him and he dropped the gun. When it hit the floor it fired and he was gone. I don't know if the bullet is still in the rafters of the house or not, but I doubt it. Surely the police removed it. There were powder burns on the cuff of his pants (so I was told) so it was determined accidental. It crosses my mind sometimes wondering if I was lied to and it wasn't an accident. I reacted so badly to the loss my family may have covered it. Either way, my future was gone. I couldn't SEE one without him. Years of serious emotional issues and suicide attempts (hidden from family) followed this disaster.

Do you wonder what your life would have been like if one pivotal moment hadn't happened? I do. After that dream, I'm doing so again. Shirlee could have been my mother-in-law now. I might have had kids, might have lived somewhere else, any number of 'might haves'. I don't know if any of my family knows how I felt about him, feel about him. I still see him at 17 being goofy. I still see him showing me how he was becoming a man at about 15 (second time I "saw" a guy. ;) On the back of the hay truck-see a hay theme in our relationship? LOL!) I miss him every day and this dream made it a little harder to stand.

There have been times my dreams have been prophetic. This scares me right now since I can't remember anything else in the dream. I know the voice was kind of weak is all. I asked my sister to contact her to see if everything's alright.

You see, Shirlee's health really isn't good. I don't know the exact names of everything, but she shakes very badly. Parkinson's maybe? She is diabetic (curse of the Mt Dew I too love too much). I think she's been diagnosed with mesothelioma as well. I'm not in a lot of contact with the family, only usually see her once a year if she comes to the family cookout, but I look forward to it. Love seeing her and at those times, it makes me smile to think what might have been. Would we have gotten back together? Even though we both moved on, we always stayed close and he seemed to still like me. Would I have been her daughter-in-law? Or would it still have only been a dream?