Monday, December 31, 2012

End of a Long Year

Well, it's all over but the fireworks. I'm trying to look back and find good things in this year. Not easy. Lilly is still with me, though she's still very sick. My roof (for the moment) isn't leaking thanks to my sister's husband patching two places on it. I've still got a job, even though the check doesn't cover what I need it to. I've still got nine kitties in the house to make me smile. I've got a home and a truck. I've got my mama and sister and her family. I've read bunches of really good books and found new authors I like.

Politically, I was able to smile seeing same-sex marriage legalized in a few more states. Got to see pot legalized in a couple of places. Wish both were where I live!! I've seen people make great strides towards equality and freedom.

I've read some good blogs, seen lots of funny pictures, and gotten to adore friends' kitties from wonderful pics and videos.

I do hope for next year to be better, for myself and everyone else. If you're out celebrating tonight, have a designated driver or a way to get home. Be safe and have a fun new year!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

And Then There Were Nine

Zilla \z(il)-la\ as a girl's name is of Hebrew origin, and the meaning of Zilla is "shadow". Biblical name revived by the Puritans. Rather popular in the 19th century. (http://www.thinkbabynames.com)


I am no longer a house of 10. Monday, October 29, 2012, I lost my little black cat, Zilla. For years she was my fat kitty kitty, but in January she started losing weight. I'd switched foods in December and didn't think anything of it. She was very overweight for her build, and was still eating normally, so I didn't worry. Also, at the same time, I was back and forth to the vet with Lilly, who was losing weight as well, but NOT eating. Zilla seemed fine.

Sunday night, I picked her up to trim her claws and started the normal routine. I'd gotten two paws done when I felt her breathing hard. I did a third paw and realized her breathing was getting really bad. I sat her up and tried to calm her. Zilla never really shook off her feral beginnings and was never one for being easily handled or pet. After a moment, I put her down and she lay down on the floor just resting and breathing quickly.


This was the last time I got to take a picture of my Zilla. Lilly had a standing appointment with the vet so I took Zilla along. She meowed in the car, but not as much as usual. At the vet she started open-mouthed breathing again, but seemed calm enough. When her turn came and I took her out of the carrier, I saw how bad it was. Her chest was heaving rapidly and she was panting for air. The vet came in and listened to her heart and lungs and did some poking and prodding. As I said, Zilla hates to be touched. Being strangers made it so much worse. Normally she'd have been muzzled, but with her breathing, it wasn't an option. It was decided an xray was needed to see what was going on in her chest. Her lungs were clear, but the vet couldn't even count her heart rate. It was over 300 beats a minute. He was concerned about fluid around it and seemed to think it was cardiomyopathy. Her heart wasn't getting enough oxygen to her blood and she was breathing faster to try to help. This in turn made her heart race even more. A cycle that wouldn't end well.

With Zilla as wild as she was, sedation would be required for the xray. I understood the risk of the medication in the state she was in, but it was the only way to get answers to help treat her. I left her there and came home to wait for the call when the xrays were done.

Less than 30 minutes after I was home, the phone rang. The lady at the desk was very solemn when she told me Dr Wylie wanted to talk to me. I started to panic. I guess the anticipation of the news was what did it, but I literally felt the sharpest pain in my chest, like I'd been stabbed. Dr Wylie told me her heart had stopped and they were trying to get her back. He was going to try for about 5 more minutes and call me back. When Gaia had her surgery, they lost her in recovery and didn't call me until she was resuscitated and recovering. Calling me before anything was known told me how bad it was.

About 10 minutes later, the phone rang. My black baby was gone. I know Dr Wylie did all he could. He knows how much I love my babies. I told him I wanted to see her and would be there. My sister rushed over to take me as I didn't trust myself to drive.

Louie, the vet tech, brought her out to me. He was crying and hugged me. My little girl looked so peaceful laying there, wrapped in a towel. I didn't take the camera because I didn't want a picture of her like that. I talked to her for a bit, pet her, and cut a little bit of fur off her belly to keep. She'd had a bald belly for years due to how fat she was and it had only recently grown back. My sister and nephew got to pet her too, really for the first time.

What happened was explained to me. They'd given her a small dose of sedative and then tried to bring her out for the xray, but she started panicking and her breathing skyrocketed again. Dr Wylie decided to give her a bit more as it was so harmful for her to be in the state she was in. Her heart couldn't take the panic or the second dose. Louie told me her heart stopped about two seconds after the second dose. They put her on oxygen and gave her medicines and did CPR but her little heart was too tired. 11 years, 7 months, 19 days after her birth, 11 years, 1 month, 19 days after moving her attitude into my home and life. My shadow was gone.




Wednesday, September 26, 2012

LILLY GAINED A POUND!!

My furry monster, Lilly, gained a pound!! She's just over 7pounds now and I'm so tickled!

I took her to the vet again and made sure she saw the doctor there that I actually trust with my kits. I told him everything that had been going on and my concerns that there was no definitive diagnosis and that what I had been told wasn't really explaining things that were happening with her.

Here's what he concluded. With the thinning fur, weight loss, out of whack blood values... his experience tells him it's some type of endocrine disorder. It could be hyperthyroid disease, diabetes or Cushing's disease. But come to find out, with cats sometimes the signs/symptoms can show years before the blood work truly shows the underlying cause. For now, she's staying on Prednosolone, Reglan and a vitamin supplement. She got a B12 shot on the chance that may also help. He recommends repeating the blood work every six months until the cause can be determined. If she continues to gain weight and improve a bit, we'll start weaning her off the steroid.

Also discovered is why she has that bulge in the middle. He said that one thing steroids can do is make the muscles more lax. It's not that anything is getting that big inside her, just that the abdominal muscles aren't holding everything as tightly. He said while her liver is enlarged, its shape hasn't changed so it's not as much of a worry. HE didn't find any kind of mass and he did a lot of squeezing on the belly, much to Lilly's intense dislike. ;)

I love that he doesn't just nod and say "Mmm hmm" to the stuff I say or ask. He explains and gives me answers and understands just because I'm your basic cat mom, I'm not an idiot or ignorant on things that can happen with cats.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Why Say Choice?

Below is a particularly poignant performance of Adam Lambert's "Outlaws of Love." One of the first things that comes to mind on this is why do people think it's a choice? WHY would anyone CHOOSE to be the victim?

Gay men are subject to verbal and physical abuse, society looks down on them, they are murdered and the culprits are not punished sometimes as they would be if they'd killed a "normal" person. Churches tell them they're evil, even sometimes their OWN churches that they have attended for years. The government doesn't recognize them as equal citizens. In many states is is COMPLETELY LEGAL to fire someone for the simple fact they are gay. Most states don't recognize same-sex marriage and therefore, partners are not receiving the full benefit of what should be a basic right. And the federal government recognizes NOTHING related to same-sex marriage. DADT may be gone (praying it STAYS gone!) but the military partners who marry have no true rights unless they also obtain power of attorney for each other. A simple marriage for a male/female couple becomes a legal road trip for a same-sex couple.

It's truly shameful for people to believe someone would choose a life that puts them in harm's way so much. I applaud the men who are open about their orientation for they are braver than me. They are taking a stand to say "I am who I am and I'm not ashamed". They are heroes.






Friday, September 14, 2012

Something You Never Want to Plan

I start crying every time I try to think of this. My furry monster is dying. Lilly's liver is enlarging and it's not something she is going to recover from. I've got to accept the fact that my furry monster is going to leave me well before I'm ready to let her go. And I've got to have a plan.

If she goes down late at night or on a weekend, the vet isn't open and there isn't a local emergency vet. I won't be looking for life-saving measures though. Just a way to release her from her pain if it happens that way. Then there is after. Cremation. How the hell do you plan something like this while looking at her sleeping peacefully on the end table?

I've lost one cat, Tigger, but it was suddenly. She'd been sick, but her dying was sudden. An asthma attack hit while I was asleep and when one of the other kits woke me, she was taking her last breaths. I was hysterical. Now I've got to watch and wait KNOWING it's coming, just not when. It could be a week or a month. I doubt she'll see Yule though. It'd be nice if she made it to her 7 year Gotcha Day anniversary on Samhain.

My Maine Coon mix now weighs less than my 21 year old tabby. She's barely over six pounds and feels like a skeleton in most places. Her weight loss just sets off the bulge now becoming evident at the bottom of her rib cage. It's her liver getting too big. No idea what happened to cause it or if it would have happened no matter what. She is still eating to a small degree and is on two medications, about to be three. An iron supplement is being added as she's become anemic. But it's just putting off the inevitable. My daughter is going to die. My furry little child is going to be gone too soon. Always so full of life and fun. A purring lap blanket who saved my heart when I lost Tigger.

I'll never have another tortie in my house. Losing another is going to kill me.

Friday, July 27, 2012

The Past & Present

Talk about the past coming back. Mama called this morning to tell me to check my email to see if I got one from Joe. Joe was a guy mama dated/lived with for several years before she threw him out and he went back home to Georgia. He passed away some time back. I guess mama doesn't get email from hacked accounts often, but that's what it was. I had to go in and send a request for the account to be deleted. At least I knew his password.

Seems some friends are having a bad time physically lately. Guess it isn't just my kits who are having health issues. J.R. Loveless, a wonderful M/M author has been having really bad migraines lately and not much is helping. Another great author, Vicktor Alexander, is having issues as well, though his don't have a diagnosis yet. Poor man is having pain and issues with his head making him dizzy and he's even having trouble remembering words and how to spell them to write. Hurts my heart for either of them to be so sick, but both scare me too. My brother seemingly had a not serious health problem and it ended up killing him. Vicktor especially worries me as they don't know what's wrong. Both of them almost sound like symptoms of an aneurysm, like my old art teacher, and I know she was so very lucky to survive.

The kits are doing ok. The lysine treats should be here soon and for those who won't eat them, I've found they'll eat the powder mixed in meat baby food. Except Lilly. That cat is so picky it isn't funny! Her I'll still have to mix lysine with water in a syringe and squirt it in her mouth. Neither of us enjoy that much, but I'm determined to do what I can to get her better. She refused to eat the chicken Brian cooked last night, but this morning she ate some treats and nibbled on a salmon Appetizer. Miska is getting a bit more active, though she's still coughing and sneezing. Speckle is still sneezing, but it's not bad. Kittanna seems mostly ok, even coming up to sleep with me again. Everyone else, thus far, isn't showing signs of catching the cold, though Pewter sneezed a but last night, but it was just one instance.

Training Wednesday went ok. It was informative at least. Policy has a rule that, unless otherwise informed, training has to be attended in uniform. My shift's captain didn't. She comes in looking all sassy in silver sandals, black pants and an almost sheer white top... with a black bra. I've always thought that was tacky looking most of the time. But with as many years as she has, I guess she's not worried about it. Hoping I can be that carefree when I'm her age!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Cat Issues and Work

It's like dominoes. ~sigh~

Lilly is slowing improving with her issues. The diagnosis is either liver disease or hepatic lypidosis (fatty liver syndrome). Either isn't good news, but if I can get her eating and keep her eating, the lypidosis will improve. She's on denosyl, lysine, an anti-nauseant and clavamox. This is twice a day dosing. Today, for the first time in well over a week, she was actually crying to be fed. I was thrilled!! I gave her an appetite stimulant for a day, but it had her walking around crying and looking so damned lost it was killing me. Seems, despite what the vet said, this medicine can cause anxiousness in cats. It didn't help her eat because she was too busy wandering and crying out so that one has been stopped.

Rat has been diagnosed with a heart murmur. Problem is, he'll need an ultrasound to diagnose the exact cause and the place they want to send me is in Columbia. I have no way to get there so I've asked if there isn't someone in Rock Hill or Ballentyne, both of which are easier to get to and easier to navigate. I'm scared my time with my boy will be cut short now. He's only one. It's a grade three of six murmur.

Rat also had a cold, which was the only reason I took him to the vet in the first place. Just a tiny sneezy cold. Well, it seems the girls weren't satisfied with just a little cold. Kittanna and Miska now have full blown viral respiratory infections. Coughing, gagging and sneezing all over the place. Speckle is showing signs of catching it too. Kittanna and Miska are on xenoquin since it's the only once a day antibiotic they have. It's mostly just to prevent secondary infections because right now their immune systems are compromised.

Vet recommendation is for lysine all around, for all 10 of them. I've taken to mixing a capsule with a little water in a syringe to make it easier to give out, but several are VERY, VERY problematic about this. I've got the scars to prove it at this point. Then I remembered I'd bought lysine treats ages ago. They like them so I've ordered more. That'll make it WAY easier to get the lysine into several of them and save loads of stress on all of us. Plus, lysine is good for liver support and maybe Lilly will get more into eating if she thinks she's just getting a treat instead of one of her medicines.

It's going to be a long couple of weeks around here, kitty wise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Work-wise, things are about the same. I'm being MADE to take a class on a system called CITRIX. It's part of the time-keeping stuff, which I do for my shift. I have to take the class to have access to the system. Again, I don't drive in Columbia. So, knowing me, they've arranged a ride to take me to class... lol!!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Cuteness

It's been a while since I posted any of the kits. I know few ever peek in here, but I've got 10 wonderful kitties. This is my baby, Rateelae (Rat). He's the only one that does the cute pose that I can get a picture of. Zilla does it, but being black, it's hard as hell to get a good shot unless I can sneak up on her... lol! Rat just turned one in March and is the biggest of all of my kits. He's about 12 pounds and I think he's finally finished growing! LOL! Just this week, he finally learned how to jump on the kitchen counter. So far, no major damage has been done but he's got to learn not to be all in my business when I cook. I'd hate for him to learn the hard way what "HOT!" means. Had Kittanna do that and it scared me silly!! She was ok, but I was a wreck.







Monday, July 16, 2012

Why Did I Do This?

I actually joined Plenty of Fish. You know, the 'dating' site? I actually put up a picture so that should keep most away. Ha!

I'm tired of not having anyone to hang out with. Problem is, it only searches or matches based on sex. I have to set the thing to think I'm a guy to search. Did find a guy I used to know at work and dropped him a line to say hi and that I hope he's doing good. Miss the goofball. But even setting it for male/male, there aren't a lot around here and most of those are looking for hook-ups, not friends.

I hate writing those profile things. I ramble a lot in what I posted, but I think I was pretty truthful. I've gotten two messages. One was from a black guy and I'm just not up for that at the moment. The last black guy I was with still holds my heart pretty much even though I can't have him. It's like he's the end of that choice for me. So I'm looking for white guys... though there was a sexy as sin indian guy (Native American to be politically correct). The other message I got was from a white guy. It said high school education, but I wonder. My gods! His spelling was like third grade atrocious! Strikes me as one of those good old boys who just doesn't care. And speaking of good old boys... they're all over that freaking site! Practically all of them... hunting, fishing, sports, the river, their motorcycle, their horses, going out on 4 wheelers, etc. Just SO not my cup of tea. I want someone to hang with that I actually have stuff in common with. Preferably gay as that takes any kind of sex issues right out of the equation off the bat.

And I do see that I tend to have more in common with those much younger than me. Kind of figured I would actually. I don't really fit into the mold of, basically, a middle-aged woman. I'm less than a year from 40 and my brain hasn't even gotten to 30 yet. Hell, my brain barely to 21... lol!

Monday, July 9, 2012

Updated View! Finally!

Well, I finally got something a bit more interesting as my blog design. Found one that had colours I could live with and set to hitting the web for images of some of my favourite yaoi anime. Didn't find something for all that I like, but found ones that definitely work for me! Yay!!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Bridegroom

I previously posted about a video in the post Plus and Minus. It's about a man who lost his partner to a terrible accident and then had to suffer through his partner's family closing him out because they blamed him for their son being gay.

He's now wanting to make a documentary to show people how horrible it is that same-sex marriage isn't legal. He was partners in love, business and living... everything. And he lost so much with his partner's family shutting him out. Please share this and consider donating. You can give as little as $1 to help reach their goal.

 

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Tempered With Sadness

While I'm enjoying getting all the wonderful books and yaoi from winning the blog hop, I came home to sad news this morning. Laura has lost her sweet boy, Violet, and Jennifer has lost her darling Alfie. Two beautiful kitties gone to the rainbow bridge far too soon. I'm keeping these two and their families in my thoughts today as their boys learn to use those new wings.

Monday, June 25, 2012

OMG!! I WON!!!

I won the grand prize for the yaoi blog hop! Oh my freaking gods!! Holy shit!!! Out of almost 400 people, I won!!!!!

This is serious jackpot for someone who loves to read. I get seven books, two yaoi press titles AND a boys love bang bang title! I picked one with cats on that last one... lol!! This just tickles me so much! I get all these great books, I found out about a few new yaoi anime I want to watch AND found some new authors whose stuff I'll probably end up buying. I mean, how cool is all that?!

Friday, June 22, 2012

Another Blog Hop!

Since I had so much fun with the HAH blog hop, I'm hitting another! Though this one is much smaller and I actually stand a chance of being able to read all the blogs... lol! This one is on Manga and Romance, specifically yaoi.

This is sort of a repeat of a bit of a previous post.

Yaoi was my introduction to M/M romance type stuff. See, Brian got me addicted to Fullmetal Alchemist. Then, I started watching some of the anime he had and eventually ended up watching stuff online. Then I heard a phrase, "reverse harem". This is an anime/manga that is one girl and a bunch of guys as the leading characters instead of the typical other way around. I watched several anime that are in the reverse harem genre like Fruits Basket and Ouran High School Host Club. Then I came across something else. The word "yaoi". Well, gods love google. ;) From there I watched Junjou Romantica, Sekai-ichi Hatsukoi and Gravitation. Then there's Sex Pistols, The Tyrant Who Falls in Love and No Money... the Japanese don't quibble over consent... lol! I also read numerous manga available online and translated into English. But it's frustrating reading backwards sometimes and the stories weren't as deep as I'd have liked. So I started looking for yaoi novels, something more in depth and longer. I found a few, but not many are translated and online. Talking with a friend, I found out about American m/m romance novels. I was hooked! I still watch my anime once in a while and have a few manga I go back to when new chapters are translated, but m/m romance has me hooked! I wish I had little gay muses running around in my head like the many, many talented authors I read so I could write something!

Monday, June 18, 2012

Love is Always Write

There's an event going on in the Goodreads M/M Romance group like the Don't Read in the Closet series. Pictures are selected and various people write a prompt on what they think the story of the picture is. Then authors select from the options and write the story. I've read all four volumes of DRitC and loved the vast majority of the stories. A few didn't really have happy endings and I'm not fond of that. Reading it this way though... as each story is posted in the group... I'm able to look at the description and not read the ones I think I'll find unsatisfying. I've only had to avoid one so far even though SEVERAL have left me wanting more! There are published authors and not-published authors writing if I'm not mistaken and the stories are so good! I fell in love with one pic and am still anxiously waiting for it to post, but I'm loving reading all the wonderful creations in the mean time. Some are really short, 4-6,000 words, some even less. And then there are some that are longer than a lot of books I've bought! LOL! It's worth a look if you like m/m romance! And check out the DRitC volumes if you haven't already. They're FREE READS ya know!!

(You do have to be a member of Goodreads and the M/M Romance group)

Love is Always Write

Father's Day

No, I didn't make a post for Father's Day yesterday. I don't have one anymore. My father passed away from pancreatic cancer on August 5, 2001. The only other male I was close to was my brother. He passed away from a basilar artery stroke August 29, 2011. My sister is married, but he and I aren't tight like that really. So no happy father's day wishes for me to give out. Though I do thank my sister's husband for Brian. He's as close as I'll ever get to a child, so there is that.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Reminds Me

There's this blog I follow called 2 Boys in Love. It's written by two guys living together and exploring themselves. They're both college students and they graciously share their lives with us in this blog. They are both sweet, loving and are just SO in love with each other.

When I first got Adam Lambert's new album, Trespassing, I found a song on there that reminds me of them. It's perky and upbeat and just a generally happy song about the raw, naked emotion of love. It doesn't have a video of its own (though I really hope he does one!) but this is a great performance of it on AOL Sessions. I doubt Matt and Brad even know I have a blog, much less look at it, but if they ever do, I hope they enjoy the song!


 

*Edit* ~sigh~ Alas, with this blog design, part of the right side of the video is cut off. Just go to Youtube and you can watch the video and watch without missing anything.

Sometimes It Bugs Me

I know I'm anti-social. I don't go out. I can't stand crowds. I don't make a good passenger as I tend to get very nervous with other people driving. But why does my family insist on thinking it's fun to make fun of me for it?

Mama's going to Waxhaw tomorrow, I guess to take some of her wood work to a leather shop that sells it for her. I agreed to go along. Next thing I know my nephew calls and asks if I'm really going. I said yeah. He said that was a little unusual and I hear my sister in the background scream, "A little unusal!?!?!". I mean WTF?

I used to go with my sister and nephew to town on Fridays I was off to get groceries and do a little shopping. But it got to the point I was having issues with being in Walmart. So I started taking my MP3 player and listening to music while in the store. My sister started acting weird when I'd do this, like she had an attitude. She said she didn't care, but something was going on. She's as likely to walk off and me lose her in the store as anything, MP3 player or not, so I don't get the big deal. So I don't go with her anymore. Saves me the stress of wondering what I've done wrong and trying to keep her happy.

Brian sometimes fusses about not going anywhere when he's over here, but where would we go? He doesn't have any friends to go hang out with. He doesn't have a job to have money to spend. I spend a LOT of money to have food in the house for him. He's got his games and computer. What else am I supposed to do?

Why is it such a big deal? Wondering if I should just stay home tomorrow to avoid all the jokes I'm likely to get.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Nothing Much

Pretty much nothing going on around here lately. Brian didn't come over this weekend, but I'm ok with that. Kind of mad at the kid. No one knew (except maybe Brian) that his second semester of college, he was on probation for his grades. Now, he's suspended for the next semester as they were still too low. He's doing the same thing I did, but at least I can say I tried to do well. My coursework just wasn't up to par with what my professors wanted. Yes, I hit the bars and partied, but I never missed a class and I always turned my assignments in completed and on time. Brian I think just doesn't care. And I don't know how to fix it. He'll be 19 in August, has no ambition beyond the next Xbox/Wii game, no desire to learn to drive and get his license, no luck finding a job. ~sigh~

My one friends at work isn't there anymore. He got in trouble and had to switch shifts in the aftermath. I've got the other guys to talk to, but I knew my friend wouldn't go telling anyone else the things I said to him. The two I still have, I don't trust like that. But sometimes I wonder how good a friend I had. I don't really know much about him. Questions are usually given short or joking answers even though I always try to answer what he asks me. Except for webcam experiences... I refuse to respond to that one on the grounds it may embarrass the shit out of me... lmao!!

Still need to clean up around here. Kind of sucks to have no real desire to DO anything. I don't want to go back on medication as I'm not depressed!! I hated the way that stuff made me feel even when I was and needed it. No way I'm going back to that zombie feeling... or lack of feeling to be precise. No blood work has found anything wrong... do they test hormones in those things? Levels of things like iron, B vitamins and others?? Being told I have "a touch" of fibromyalgia isn't an answer to my lack of umph and aches/pains.

Enough moaning and groaning I guess. Not going to help anything. I need someone to drag my sorry ass out of the house or something...

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Friday, June 1, 2012

Just Cuz I Should

I'm writing an entry today just because I feel I should... lol!! I need to try to be better about blogging, even though I know no one ever reads my entries.

So, what's been up lately... really, it's just the usual. Working, sleeping, reading my beloved M/M romance (spending way too much money in the process!).

Work... ah, life in a prison. ~sigh~ You'd think I work in a freaking daycare the way they whine and complain. Sad, but that's really what all those "bad-ass" criminals spend a lot of time doing.

Sleeping... well, you see below what I have a tendency to wake up to... lol! The black on my chest is Kittanna, the tortie on my leg is Lilly, the tabby between my calves is Rat and if you look near his butt, there a bit of fluff, two feet and an ear... that's Gaia... lol! Chiara is usually on my other leg, but I guess she got up before I did.



Reading... I found new authors with stuff I really like while looking through the HAH blog hop and I've been having fun reading. And of course, many of my standard authors have new releases every weekend so I'm in there waiting for 1am to roll around to get the new stuff and then lose sleep reading it... lol!!

Had a dream tonight... thinking I've been without "company" too long. They shouldn't be that strange... or desperate. And I find it sad that I don't even get any in my dreams... ;) Not like there are any prospects. Can't be with anyone I work with without risking my job. Won't go out on my own and don't know anyone to go out with. Everyone I know is someone I work with or they're married and/or have kids and don't do "going out" anymore. I'm 39 years old and I find I really, really need friends that are in their mid 20s to hang out with. Sad... just too sad. I was told by one of the guys at work that its crazy that I need a "wing man" to go out. Well, not like I'm just going to go up to someone and introduce myself... I need that buffer. That's not so bad is it?








Thursday, May 24, 2012

Interesting Conversation

Doing breaks at work last night, I got to talking with two of the guys I work with. One I talk to quite a bit and he knows a lot about me. The other guy is fairly new. I was talking about the blog hop from this past week (Hop Against Homophobia) and the prizes I'd won on a few of them. Since I was talking about authors and the book I'd won, the new guy asked what I read. Since I don't know him well, it was a bit awkward, but I told him I read gay romance. On a side note, I'm wondering if he now thinks I'M lesbian because of this... lol! Figure I don't really give a shit what he thinks. Anywho, he says there's nothing wrong with love, it's all good and I'm thinking ok, cool guy. But he keeps talking and here's where it got interesting.

He said it's all good, but he didn't think it was good to have children in that environment. I said "So it's ok to be gay, but not to have kids?" He said they can't have kids. And into the conversation about hetero couples sometimes need help, so what's the big deal if a same-sex couple needs help... and he's saying but it still requires a male and a female... and it got repetitive. ~sigh~ He talks about how confusing it would be for the kid to be around other kids and them not having the same kind of parents. Well, what about the child of straight parents? Do you think they get confused around the kids of gay parents?

I tried to point out, it doesn't matter WHO does the parenting, its the raising that makes the impact. If a child is raised to not look at WHO is loving, but that the love is good, it makes no difference. I really don't think I got through to him. Sometimes I am not overly fond of the people I work with.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Winner!

Squeee!!!! I've already won at least twice in the blog hop I posted about!!

I won a ficbit, which is a really short story, from Kathleen Hayes. I'd requested one on True Love's Kiss, but she said she's already got several more installments in the works for that one so I'll be reading that one on her blog anyway. So looking through her stuff, I picked Perfect as first choice for her to write something more on. It's a seriously short bit about an FTM and his friend. In that short bit of writing, I found myself wanting to know more about the characters and really look forward to what Kathleen writes!

The other one is on the 2 Boys In Love blog. I won the big prize! A $25 gift certificate to the ebook site of my choice. I picked Dreamspinner. Now, just got to decide what to spend it on... lol! Looking forward to it!

I've been told I won on another blog, but there's nothing posted yet so waiting to see if it's me or not. This last author writes some seriously good vampire books! He's got a series of them and there are two I don't have yet. :)

Still probably going to read through the blogs even though the hop is technically over. It'll just take me a while to read them a few at a time. Gotten used to the ereader and not having the laptop blocking the kitties from cuddling. ;)

Edit*Yep! Won an ebook from JP Bowie! Picked "Trip of a Lifetime". It was great! Now I just wonder how Vic knew about it before it was on JP's blog or I'd gotten his email... hmm...

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Hop Against Homophobia

I'm not participating officially since I'm not involved in any of the publishing process (other than reading voraciously!). There is a blog hop May 17-May 20 here. Hundreds are participating for this great cause.

I am a straight female, so I've never personally experienced homophobia or transphobia. Unfortunately, I don't currently have any GLBT friends either, much to my loss. But like some of the writers in the hop, I do know discrimination and I know how it feels to be shunned by those who should love you and I know what it is to have to deal with bullies.

So many kids today are taking their own lives from bullying because assholes seem to think they know what's best and keep telling them they're wrong, they're evil, they're going to hell, and on and on. It's just not true. They need the chance to grow and learn about themselves without feeling the pain of being mistreated. ANY kid does. I suffered greatly for my weight in school and still bear the emotional scars. To this day, I have self-esteem issues from the taunts I heard... yes, I know those people don't matter, but years of hearing it made it sink into my psyche. Someone who is GLBT doesn't NEED anything like that! They're going to have to deal with enough issues without having people try to step on their confidence and crush them. They need support and love and acceptance. And sometimes, they need help. There is the Trevor Project if you or anyone you know wants to talk to someone. Just that little thing, a bit of talking to someone willing to listen, can help SO much. There is also the It Gets Better Project with videos of people hoping to be a light in the darkness to GLBT youth. You can also buy/donate a book copy of the project for a school or library of your choice so a kid that doesn't have internet may get a chance to read these stories and have hope.

Please visit the Hop Against Homophobia blog hop. It's emotional, educational and something our society should take notice of. All blogs participating are having giveaways too so you get to read some good information and maybe get some goodies too!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Tattoo Time!

There are three on the menu.

One is ivy, just not traditional. I don't know why, but I've always loved stuff with ivy leaves. And I've thought of a way to incorporate that into a tattoo. Just gotta get someone to draw it for me. It'll start on the top edge of my shoulder and go down my upper arm to my elbow. Have to keep it shorter than I wanted since work is getting pissy about visible tattoos. Instead of the leaves being green, each one will be coloured like my cats. Black, white, black/white, classic/mackerel/spotted/agouti tabby (all with white except the mackerel, which will be with cream), silver/blue, orange/black and orange/black/white. :) Also, there will be three forget-me-nots in there somewhere, one black/white, one rust/white and one cream/black. The flowers are for the dogs I've had. Can't leave them out!!

My brother always loved wolves. If he'd ever gotten one, he would have gotten a wolf tat. So in memory of him, that'll be what I get. I'll have to look through the stock stuff and just hope I don't pick out something everyone else has. I've got an idea in mind, but know no one who can draw well enough to do it. I want the wolf in profile, not howling. I want the edges misted, not defined. Black/gray drawing with a tear in/near his eye. Not sure if I want the tear blue or red though. It'll have Mitchell T Bowers 1966-2011 under it. I'm hoping to get that in block script, kind of like you see on blue prints. Mitchell was good at drafting.

The third one... not sure how I'll get it. There was someone I love. Yep, still do. He died at 17 and will always remain the love of my life. Even if it's a fantasy in my head, it's still MY fantasy. I believe we would have ended up together, but who knows really. I recently asked his mother what would be a good idea for a tattoo in his memory. She said he loved dirt bikes. But it's hard to find an image of a bike to suit what I had in mind for the tattoo originally. Looking at various images, I saw several that were tread patterns. Dirt bikes have a specific kind of tread, right? So that's an idea. The text for it I'm somewhat unsure on as well. Do I want his full name or just initials? Just the years or full dates? Part of the text I know though. "Within his soul's warmth, my heart will always abide" I'm thinking it was the winter before he died, but it may have been the year before. My memories from before he died are very sketchy. Mitchell and Johnny were outside, I'm thinking shooting off fireworks. I was with them, but got cold. I asked Johnny to hold Winky (small, stray black kitten/cat) while I went in for my coat (burgundy Members Only). When I came back out, I didn't see Winky. When I asked, Johnny pulled him from his coat (black Members Only) and said he was keeping him warm. I honestly thing that's where my cat obsession comes from. Somewhat unconsciously, but still rooted in that sweet memory. It's the clearest I have of him.

In two days, I'll be at the tattoo parlor with some friends. I've got a couple of tattoos that could use a bit of touching up, but I really hope I'm able to get one of the last two done. It won't be the ivy one as I haven't gotten it drawn yet. That one I KNOW I want custom drawn, not stock. The other two, I think I can take something stock and have it altered a bit to suit me. :)


Edit*The freaking place was closed!! The only place in Monroe open on Saturday mornings and the one Saturday we go up, they decide they have something else to do. ~sigh~ Here's to catching them next month on a long weekend off.

Plus and Minus

Well, there's been a plus and a minus in the battle for same-sex marriage. North Carolina has an amendment on banning any type of same-sex union. Marriage, civil union, everything. I don't know if it's totally passed, but from what I'm hearing , it sounds like it. Those articles are so confusing sometimes. On the opposite side of the spectrum, Obama spoke in an interview and came out in support of same-sex marriage equality. I so hope that's an accurate report. His verbal support, whether I like the guy or not, will add some weight to the fight for equality. Those who voted to ban same-sex marriage need to watch this:



Why are so many against same-sex marriage? I'm hetero and I couldn't give two shits who someone else sleeps with. Hell, I think gay men are one of the best things on the planet... lol!! I've got several lesbian friends whom I adore too. One of them went to her home state of New Jersey a few years ago for a civil union ceremony. Just sucks that this state doesn't recognize that union. My best friend lives in North Carolina with her girlfriend and you see what her state thinks of their right to marry if they wanted to.

Anyone able to explain why it matters? It's about like inter-racial marriage to me. Why does it matter? South Carolina just took the ban off the books in 1998. Google tells me that Alabama was the last state to remove that law in 2000. Technically, the federal government didn't allow for the ban since the 60's with the anti-miscegenation laws, but the law was still on the books, enforced or not.

Looking at Wikipedia, in 2003, the federal government ruled sodomy as something private and none of the government's business. While it's not a nice word, it means guys can do it all they want, provided there is consent, same as a male/female relationship (which was ALSO affected by anti-sodomy laws in some states ya know). BUT, there are still states with the law on the books I'm guessing... they just won't be able to enforce it anymore. There are even laws in SC against oral sex and unmarried sex for crying out loud... how creepy is our world? Huh... I'm a criminal... who knew? LMAO!!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

A Scot

I never realized I hadn't put any of my work here. Well, here goes I guess. This is, I guess, what would be called fan-fiction. The inspiration for it being John Norman's Gor novels and Diana Gabaldon's Outlander novels. This story is mine, but many elements were drawn from those novels which I so adore. Thank you to both authors for what you wrote and I hope my little story might do you proud.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Dedicated to the wonderful works of John Norman and Diana Gabaldon that inspired me~

The marketplace was loud and crowded with a nasty lingering odor floating on the slow breeze. Amilyn knelt, shaking and terrified, lost amid the chains of girls to be sold. She'd been stolen less than a year ago and thrust into the harsh life of a slave girl. She'd learned to do as required and serve to please, but only to keep herself alive, never with a true love in her heart. Men strolled by, her soft crimson lips uttering repeatedly "Buy me Master," as they paused before her. A cruel voice suddenly hissed in her ear, "Be more convincing, beg for purchase well or feel the lash." The slaver slithered away to threaten another girl and Amilyn looked to see if anyone else was approaching. Seeing none, she dropped her head, eyes closed, and tried to rest for a quick moment.

A voice like burred silk touched her ears and her eyes scanned the crowd to find the source. 'Nay, I dinna want a lass as wee as you are." Her eyes locked onto the most handsome man she'd ever beheld. Unbidden, she began to wiggle about, praying for him to come before her, if only to have that voice wash over her flesh. Carefully, she flicked her eyes over him. The stranger was strikingly handsome, black hair curling lightly at his collar, lightly tanned yet fair skin, strong, firm mouth and a nose just a bit crooked, probably broken once. Well built and muscular, tall and tastefully dressed, he walked with an air of one with no fear yet totally unaware of the trance his looks could induce. Amilyn couldn't see his eyes as he stood, looking down at each girl in turn, no reaction on his face at their plea. He turned to the slaver, "Man, have ye none wi' some substance?" Amilyn wiggled again, smoothed her long auburn hair and smiled, heart thudding rapidly. Scottish. That's the accent. He must be from earth because Gor has nothing that sounds so erotic and fluid. He seeks a girl with 'substance'. Her heart thudded faster as she glanced down at herself.

She'd been self-conscious from day one, in no way understanding why she'd been chosen to come here. Fairly heavy thighs and breasts, a belly she wished would go away, nothing about her really petite or delicate like the other girls. The one hope she held to was a comment a Warrior had once graced her with. "One day the right master will bring out the true slave in your heart and show you the beauty you hold." Amilyn clung to that sentence, her mind turning it round everytime she sat in these chains, begging purchase. Seeing his boots approaching she took a deep breath and held it nervously.

As the toes of his boots appeared in her vision, she assumed her position and opened her mouth to speak. Only a tiny squeek escaped. Again she took a breath and tried once more, with no better result. A tear slipped down one cheek, fearful he would pass by and her only touch tonight would be the lash. "A bonnie lass this one. She doesna speak?" Finally, her voice came back, for if he thought her flawed, it wouldn't be for a lack of voice. "Buy me Master." Even she noticed the new tone to the words, her voice husky and warm. "Och, ye can speak. Verra good. Now, look up to me girl." Slowly, Amilyn's eyes lifted, each part of him burned into her memory, at last settling on his face. She gasped softly as her eyes locked with his. She quickly closed her mouth as she gazed into the clearest, greenest eyes, her heart melting. "Buy me Master." the plea was deep and heartfelt, her heart already his whether he bought her or not. "This one," was all he said as he pulled out a pouch and looked to the slaver. Amilyn let her head drop, her breathing rapid as the idea settled over her... bought. Tears flowed gently as the man counted out the price and the coffle fell from her neck and wrist. "Come lass. Those rags ye wear will ne'er do." "Aye Master. Thank you," was all she managed to say as she rose and followed him.

She felt him pause and stopped two paces to his right. "Ye aren't from here, are you?" "Nay Master," she said. "Name?" "Amilyn if it pleases you." He comtemplated a moment then lifted her face up, his eyes again startling her. "Amilyn it is then girl. A bonnie name for ye." She smiled and lowered her eyes, following as he headed into a seamstress' shop. As her garment was quite simple, in a short while she strode out at his heel draped in soft, moss green silk that perfectly matched her eyes, it's hem striking at the lower edge of her thigh in a flattering cut that apparently was a good choice. Glancing up occassionally, she saw heads turn and eyes leer on many faces. It was amazing the difference the purchase made, both the one of silk and the one of flesh. A strange confidence came over her in that short time and she felt like the best girl anywhere.

Reaching a bosk drawn wagon, the man stopped her and spoke again, his brogue raising the most delicious chill over her flesh. "You're my only girl so much work is ahead of ye. My name is Alexander, though I give ye leave to use Alex. You'll tell me about yourself as we ride and leave nothing out. I want to know how my girl came here." She nodded and climbed into the wagon with a sharp swat to her ass. "Verra nice indeed." She giggled and curled up amid his supplies as he climbed up front and urged the shaggy beasts to move, carrying them far from the smelly market.

As they bumped along, she told how she came to Gor. Sleeping peacefully after a rather boisterous bachelorette party, she and her friends found themselves rudely awakened then swiflty put unconscious by rags over their faces. The next thing Amilyn knew, she was waking, groggy and aching, in a cage with a few of her friends and several strange women, many speaking foreign languages. She was trained swiftly at the point of a slave goad then sold cheap to a less than appealing bosk herder. Immediately determined to have known a man before, she was placed in red silks and harshly used by the man and his friends, both sexually and in a working capacity. His farm was robbed and Amilyn found herself part of the booty. Once passed among the outlaws, she was sold again. She passed through the hands of warriors, tavern owners and any number of faceless, unappealing men before coming to the slaver Alex purchased her from. She told honestly of each man and the harshness she'd felt and the little kindness she'd known.

As her story came to a close, they arrived in Tafa and went to a neat home where she helped unload the supplies and set about putting them away, in the process learning her way around his home. The servery was small and well organized but obviously done by a man. Knowing she was the only slave responsible for Alex, she rearranged things a bit to make serving and cooking easier. There was a small area for cold storage behind the house and only four other rooms. After putting everything away, she roamed the house, tidying as she went, then smiling softly when she noticed him in the doorway watching. "Aye, you'll be a good one I ken." He bid her follow him and took her to the pens to show her where things were to milk the bosk and point out a small vulo pen for her to gather eggs. She saw a glimpse of the Vosk through a thicket of trees and smiled, inhaling the delicate aroma of the moist air. After a quick mid-day meal, he told her, "I've some business to attend to. I'll be leaving ye here for a bit but don't fret none. No one will harm ye here. Busy yourself and I'll return in a few days." Amilyn nodded sadly as he kissed her cheek, walked out to his wagon, climbed aboard and was gone. He'd not even touched her. She wondered if perhaps the business were a woman. Maybe she was purchased merely to tend house for his companion. The heart of an earth girl sank at the thought but the mind of a gorean slave settled on making the best of it.

The next few days saw Amilyn beating furs, sweeping and scrubbing floors, scouring walls and counters, washing and mending his clothes and putting up a few herbs that were drying on the window sill. Having cleaned his home from top to bottom, Amilyn tended the animals and put up milk and eggs. After two days, she felt well deserving of a bit of spoiling herself. Gathering items for bathing, she walked to the Vosk, seeing that it wasn't the main river but a small tributary of it, quiet and secluded. She stripped off her silks and washed them, laying them on a bush to dry. Easing her naked body into the water, she washed away the dust and grime from her chores then crawled onto a nearby rock to dry beneath the summer sun. Drifting to sleep, she thought of what it would be like to be with Alex back home, providing he brought no woman or other girls.

Fingers were slowly tracing the line of her jaw then dancing over her ear and into her hair. Moaning softly, she turned her head to the touch and jerked wide awake as her eyes opened and she saw Alex beside her. Stumbling over her tongue she tried to apologize for not being home when he returned. Scrambling from the rock, she huddled at his feet, fear clutching her belly. The sound she heard was not the pulling of a whip, but a quiet chuckle and she was pulled to her feet. "Lass, the house is in perfect order and your rest is well deserved. I canna be angry when you've done more than I expected of an earth girl." Before she could stop herself, she said something that had been gnawing at her, "You're of earth too." She flushed a deep crimson for slipping and dropped her eyes. "Aye, I was taken same as ye were, though for vastly different reasons that are mine alone to know. Now, I'm dusty from my travels and I smell like a sleen. Tend me lass." Smiling brightly, she stripped off his tunic and boots and helped him step out of the breeches. She stood naked before him, her skin flushed with want and pulled the loincloth free then turned to the stream, taking up the soap and waiting for him to enter the water.

Her fair skin shone in the soft sunlight as evening set in and he smiled to her as he strode past and out to hip deep in the water. Placing the soap under her foot, Amilyn scooped water over his wide back, eyes dancing, watching the clear rivulets run down and over his ass, fingers wanting to grasp him to prove his reality and arms to hug him to her. Taking up the soap, she lathered him well, massaging the thick muscles of his shoulders, feeling the tension slip away beneath her fingers and float away with the sparkling bubbles. Tossing the soap to the bank, she rinsed and massaged him down to his feet, fighting the urge to kiss his thigh as her face floated at the surface of the water, so near. Then she paused, unsure of what to do next. His bath compleat, was she to go to shore or wait? He solved her problem quickly by taking her suddenly into his strong arms and drawing her into a harsh kiss, her lips trapped between his teeth and her flesh gripped severely by his fingers. Her mind blurred, fearing he would be like her other masters, cold, hard and unfeeling. All at once her world had no horizon as she was lifted from her feet to be carried from the water. The rough surface was paid no heed by her fevered mind as he lay her upon the shore and spoke softly, "I've not owned a girl here and rarely lain wi' one. Have no fear of me because I'll treat ye as an earth girl. If you'll remember, I've no put steel on your neck."

With a start, she touched her neck. Having busied herself with tending his home, she'd not even realized. He smiled and lowered his face to the hollow at the base of her throat, his tongue flicking against the hot skin down over the swell of one breast and lightly onto the nipple. His teeth raked over the sensitive skin and she gasped, bringing her arms up and tangling her hands in the ebony locks, clutching him to her. She moaned softly as he moved back and forth teasing both nipples equally then jumped as he clasped both her wrists in one large hand, above her head and sank his teeth into her shoulder. Blind instinct and burning passion caused her own teeth to gnash out at him but she was well pinned by his powerful arms and the pleasant weight of his body on hers. Amilyn felt his hardness pressing against the roundness of her belly but couldn't maneuver to get what she wanted. He had her thighs trapped between his own and was holding her virtually motionless. She could do no more than lay, squirming beneath him and accept his ministrations.

His tongue felt cool on her heated skin and she shivered gently. Suddenly, she realized her thighs were released and his fingers were dancing lightly over the insides of them. Amilyn fought to remain still, fearing that to move would cause him to stop, but small trembles still racked her. As one large, calloused finger entered her, she couldn't stop the arch of her back and thrust of her hips to take whatever he offered, to quell the need burning in her. "In time lass. Let me enjoy the luxury of ye at my leisure." Maintaining the tight grip on her wrists, Alex twisted off her, her eyes flicking to see what he was doing. Before she saw him, she felt his breath, moist and hot, on her thigh, then his tongue lapping towards her center, teasing flicks over trembling thighs and fluttering belly. While one finger still worked within her, his tongue brushed lightly over her aching clit causing the muscles to clench his exploring hand and her arms to tug against his fist. Each lick tormented her, restrained and unable to pull him to her for more. She could feel Alex's lips curve to a smile against her flesh with every moan he elicited from her. Suddenly his hand and mouth were gone and he was above her, smiling wickedly, his lips wrapped around his finger, a gleam in his jade eyes. Feeling his grip on her wrists relax slightly, she took her chance and lunged upward, his glossy hair caught in one small fist and her lips catching his swiftly, her taste still upon him. Her sudden movement caused him to tumble back and allowed her to finally take the edge off the fire he'd ignited. He made no move to stop her as she licked and kissed over his broad chest, nibbling and teasing the tiny buds upon it. Her tongue smoothly followed the dark line down his belly then over to one thigh, nudging it from it's twin so she could settle between them. Amilyn nipped the tender skin of his legs with tiny kisses then took him into her mouth. The warm, salty taste of him brought up a deep moan and pushed her desire higher. His hand fisted in her hair tilting her head and his eyes sought hers as she moved upon him, her mouth bringing him to the same breaking point she felt.

In one sudden movement, Alex flung her to her belly and was upon her, his teeth sinking repeatedly into her back, rough palms sliding over smooth thighs. His fingers dug harshly into her hips, drawing them up, opening her to his advance. In one quick plunge, his shaft was buried inside her, a scream tinged by lust torn from her throat. He remained that way a moment, joined fully to her, feeling her muscles grasp him, then began to move slowly, taking time for his pleasure, letting his heat build slowly. Alex held his palms firm on her shoulders pressing her to the ground, his own thighs pressed to hers holding her hips up and open. As his strokes became harder, Amilyn tried to shift under his hands to thrust back to him, to feel more of him. As she struggled, Alex lay forward, dragging her knees over the ground to press her flat beneath him, his legs holding hers open as he continued thrusting into her. He held nothing back as he worked towards his release and began biting at the girl trapped beneath his immense weight. He felt her begin to tremble and the tightening within her squeezing his cock as he thrust hard one last time, his seed coming to rest deep within her. Sweat soaked and exhaused, they lay upon the ground, Amilyn heedless of the twigs and leaves that pressed into her tender flesh as Alex licked and kissed the sweat from her neck and shoulders. Slowly he rolled off her, reaching to pull her on top of him then drawing her into a gentle kiss. "You'll do lass, I'm verra sure of it." Amilyn giggled softly and lay her cheek upon his chest and they slept.

With dawn's light, Alex and Amilyn woke tangled in each others arms and dampened by the morning mist that drifted from the river. They dressed and slowly made their way home, hands clasped together. They didn't walk as master and slave, but as man and woman, eyes shining with love and adoration. That first day in the home together went smoothly, ending with them curling in bed and making love, slow and sweet. Even on earth Amilyn was the type to enjoy taking care of a man, learning his likes and seeing him well satisfied so she was ecstatic in her new surroundings. The only noticable difference between her and any other slave was that she bore no steel about her neck. Alex adorned her with only two items of jewelry: an emerald coloured ribbon tied about her neck and a small silver band on her right thumb. Times when they left home together, people sometimes looked at her a bit strannge for, even though she walked in heel and obeyed his every command, a slave with no steel was an oddity. Perhaps this oddity was the catalyst for the occurrance that all at once threatened Amilyn's idylic life and yet offered a future she never could have imagined.

Amilyn had been with Alex several weeks, becoming tuned to his every mood and falling more in love each day. At home, they behaved as a typical earth couple. When they went out or entertained guests, Amilyn assumed the guise of the red silk she was trained to be. Though Alex allowed none to touch her sexually, he did permit the occasional appreciative grab at breast or butt, rightly knowing this would help build her confidence. Amilyn blossomed under his care and it was evident in her carriage and manner. On rare occasion, Alex would send her on some errand or other by herself. Sometimes she imagined she was back home, merely shopping for her husband's dinner. Almost always, her mind was lost in fantasy. Everyone in Tafa now knew to whom she belonged and she never had any trouble. One morning, Amilyn set off to the baker's shoppe for sweet rolls she'd never got the knack of making. She didn't know there were strangers in the city looking for trouble.

Softly humming an old earth song by a group called Chicago, Amilyn meandered through narrow back streets, as she always did. She didn't like being away from Alex longer than necessary so she shortened her trip any way she could. As she approached the back entrance to the bake shoppe, the only warning she had was a movement in the shadows. Her scream died in her throat as her mouth was covered with a grimey rag and she was roughly dragged into a darkened doorway. The alley, lit only by a few barely flickering thalarion lamps, allowed Amilyn only glimpses of the face of the man who held her. He swung her to face him, holding her so that she couldn't look around and tied a cloth over her eyes. He reeked of paga and spoke a strange dialect of Gor. She could only pick out a few words, "Gold... Kidnap... Barrens... " She tried to struggle but was subdued by the man's hand tightening upon her throat. Helpless, she was bundled up and tossed into a wagon. She couldn't scream for a rag tied over her mouth, only suffer the ride and pray to the Priest Kings Alex would find her before any serious harm befell her.

By noon, Alex was frantic with worry. He hurried to the baker's and found that she'd never shown up to pick up the rolls. Turning to return home, Alex took the shortcut Amilyn always took, going out the back of the shoppe. In the light from the open door, he saw something. Leaning down, he picked up a ragged length of emerald coloured ribbon. Gasping, he ran to the magistrate's office and immediately reported her stolen. He angrily demanded a search party be sent out to find her and insisted he be part of it. As they gathered to leave, Alex ran over in his mind what he would do to whoever had his girl, his property, but more so, his love. Violent, bloody images flashed through his mind as they set out from the town. They traveled the remainder of that day with no sight of anyone unfamiliar on the road. As night fell, they camped and Alex slept a fitful sleep, dreaming of the horror of losing Amilyn.

It was deeply dark and Amilyn recognized nothing as the blindfold was taken from her eyes. The gag was removed and a bit of sa-tarna bread and dried bosk meat were put before her with a small cup of water, the men keeping behind her always. After she ate, she was again blindfolded and gagged and tied to a tree. She heard what seemed to be her captors settling down to sleep and relaxed a tiny bit knowing she wasn't to be used. As she drifted off, she thought of never seeing Alex again and wept quietly.

Well before daybreak the next morning, they were on the move, the men talking carefully about the gold they could ransom her for. Of course they knew who she belonged to as many had heard of the 'uncollared' slave. The bits of slang they used were generally unfamiliar to her so she couldn't tell if they spoke of harming her or not. As the sun rose gradually higher, burning the soft mist from the ground, Amilyn knew they were going south for she felt the warmth of the sunlight upon her left cheek as they traveled, she leaning back against the front of the wagon, tied to it's planks. As the men joked of their triumph, their future plans were already being altered. They hadn't reckoned on a man loving the girl they held and the determination he had to find her. Alex had roused his camp after only a few meager hours sleep and had them on the road well before the kidnappers. He was closing fast on his revenge.

Between the noise from the wheels bumping over the ruts in the road and the joking and chatter of the kidnappers, no one heard the approaching thud of the kailla as they splintered off into the trees surrounding the road. Occupied with images of gold and wealth as they stopped to take an afternoon meal and rest the bosk, none saw the men scramble into the trees and ready their cross-bows. The men dipped heavily into the botas of paga they carried and sat about drinking more than eating, taking no regard of Amilyn sitting meekly in the wagon. Not until the paga ran out and the men decided to see what was so special about the girl.

Feeling they were safe enough such a distance from Tafa, they dragged her from the wagon and lay her on the hard ground. Amilyn's precious silks Alex had given her were ripped from her and rough hands dug into her breasts, the man's face close to hers, his breath causing her to struggle harder than his hands. His friends, intent on spreading her legs to help the man, didn't notice the man in the closest tree, didn't see the look of utter rage on his face, didn't see the arrow take aim. A small whizzing sound and one man fell, arms flailing to reach his back, to remove the shaft that was leeching the air from his lung. The others took little notice really, figuring him too drunk to participate. As the second man fell, hands clasped around his bleeding thigh, the surrounding thugs finally looked around. They ducked behind the wagon, grabbing out cross-bows and swords and looking to the trees for their attackers. The man holding Amilyn pinned to the ground didn't hear their shouts and warnings, he was too involved in sinking his filthy cock into the struggling girl. His task was interrupted by a sharp pain in his ass. Jumping backwards and bouncing like a fool, he tried to remove the arrow from his cheek, slick, red blood coursing down his pale leg and staining the breeches about his ankles. Amilyn, still bound, blind and gagged, knew only that there was trouble. She curled her naked form into a little ball and prayed fervently she wouldn't die before she could tell Alex she loved him one last time.

As the search party drifted from the trees, there was little fighting. One man made a half-hearted attempt to fight the magistrate sword to sword, but failed miserably, left in a pool of his own blood to die. The survivors were loaded into their own wagon as Alex knelt by Amilyn's side. She cringed and tried to cry out when she felt the hand upon her shoulder, thinking the man was back. The soft voice cooing in her ear slowly sank in and she began struggling, not to get free, but to get to Alex. He released her arms and lifted her gently, clutching her tight to him, her arms locked about his neck. The gag and blindfold removed, she covered his mouth with hers, tasting him to see if he was real or a delusion. She locked her legs around him and held him, desperate to never let go. Climbing clumsily into the wagon, Alex held Amilyn that way all the way back to the city, taking his arms from her only to remove his cloak and drape it over her shivering shoulders.

Amilyn lay tucked into Alex's bed, her eyes jumping as she slept, the memory of recent events still haunting her. It had been a week and if Alex wasn't by her side, she couldn't function. He'd replaced the silks she'd lost and bought many more to entice her from the bed, to no avail. Amilyn couldn't get her mind off the man who'd touched her and couldn't figure out why. She'd been here long enough and passed around often enough she shouldn't mind. Something about it stuck with her, the destruction of her safe little world with Alex. She knew he was trying all he could to be there for her, but whatever business he tended late at night took him away often, leaving her with only the shadows to torment her. She slept fitfully and wept often in her dreams.

Morning light was flooding through the window Alex had opened, the cool breeze bringing the scent of moist air and tor shrub flowers, their pure, white faces dancing outside the open port. Amilyn stirred and opened her eyes to see Alex standing above her. "Get outta bed now lass. There are things ye need to tend that canna wait." The tone of his voice was sharp and cold, his eyes glinting as she'd never seen. Reluctantly, Amilyn crawled out of bed and donned a set of the new silks, a deep golden amber that matched the highlights in her hair. She went to the servery and set about tidying it, but little was needed for Alex had taken his meals out since the incident. He approached her slowly and gently wrapped his arms about her, the remnants of her dream washed away on the sweet sound of his voice, "Something is missing love. Turn and let me look at ye to see if I can figure it out." Turning within his arms, she looked up to him and was startled. He had tears in the corners of his eyes and looked at her with such a warmth, it made her heart ache. She deserved no such love as his and turned her eyes away. His fingers were firm on her chin as he turned her face back and his voice was hard yet affectionate as he spoke, "You are not to blame for what happened. I love you as much now as I ever have. You are mine and none will take ye from me again. I promise." He pushed her back a bit and held his hands in front of her. The necklace looked delicate yet strong, the double golden links locked securely upon their neighbors, the clasp a tiny lock. Amilyn reached out one finger and carefully touched the pendant, afraid it would break. The diamond was set in gold and well seated to ensure it never came out. It's facets sparkled brightly, tossing a myriad of colour upon their faces. Tears slipped down her cheeks and she fell to her knees before him. "I deserve none such as you Master. I can only promise to love you the best I can and always be whatever you wish until you have no more need of me." Alex lifted her and gazed into her eyes a moment before kissing her quickly, then locking the necklace about her neck. "I'll always have need of you. Now, pack lass. We are leaving. I've finalized plans that will ensure you and I will have the future we want without interference. Pack light as the journey is only two days and we'll not need much of this place with us." Curiosity burning in her eyes, Amilyn nodded and ran to do as commanded. When she returned to the servery with a small bag, she saw the wagon and bosk outside the house and hurried to it, throwing herself into the bed and looking to Alex sitting on the seat, a determined look upon his face.

-------------------------------------------- 

Amilyn let her mind wander as they traveled, wondering what city they would go to, never knowing her future was not going to be as she imagined. That night they camped in a small stand of trees, Alex setting up a careful perimeter so no one could sneak up on them. Spreading a blanket, they lay together for the first time since she'd been kidnapped, the distance from Tafa and her memories loosening her better than anything else could. They touched and caressed gently and made love slowly beneath the bright moons, falling asleep tangled in each others arms.

As dawn broke, they set off again and Alex began to hint at their destination. "You'll love it lass. Mountains and fields as far as the eye can see. Sparsely populated so none will disturb us often. The air is clean and fresh and the scent of heaven is upon the breeze every day, rain or shine. You'll have animals to tend and a home to look after soon my love, verra soon." She had so many questions pop into her head, she didn't know where to start. Her quandry was solved by Alex's next statement. "Lass, I'm taking ye home wi' me." She looked at him, eyes confused, wondering if he could possibly mean what she thought, what she hoped. Looking down to her, he smiled and nodded and Amilyn was left speechless. Home. Earth. He was taking her to the highlands of Scotland to live with him. Her breath stopped and she couldn't think. Home. She climbed up onto the seat beside him and curled against him, his arm going around her and his warmth sheltering her. Amilyn lay her head to his shoulder and closed her eyes, happy dreams coming at last.

It was full night and the three moons above shone brightly upon the wagon as it pulled into the trees. The stop jolted Amilyn awake and she looked about, wondering why they'd stopped. "We're here Amilyn. Hop down." Scampering from the wagon, she waited quietly for Alex to come to her, eyes scanning the trees fearfully. Taking her arm, he led her into the wood to a clearing and stopped, looking at her intently. "You don't remember coming here any more than I, but I know what occurs. A ship will come lass. We will sleep soundly and wake amid the hills of my home. We will begin our life anew." They settled down to wait, Amilyn staying very close to Alex's side, eyes scanning the sky repeatedly, looking for her salvation. Suddenly, without warning, a light shone upon them and they stood quickly. Alex looked questioningly to her and she nodded and began walking. They were taken aboard cordially. The journey afforded by Alex gathering all the wealth he had and calling in every favour he'd been owed, they were treated well and went comfortably to sleep, both dreaming of rolling hills and snowy mountains.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Bye Girl

In September or so 1997, I bought a car. A used 1991 Chevrolet Cavalier. The memories that car holds for me. The furthest I've driven from home, north (Pineville) and south (Sumter) were in that car. First time I gave/got a hand job. First time I damned near got caught drunk driving. First time I drove in snow. In one way or another, I drove that car to meet every guy I've ever been with. I paid about $6000 for her and put about $2000 or more in her over the years to keep her going. I sat in the parking lot at work peeling the clear coat off when it started chipping. Gods only know how many other things with that car were a first and I'm just not remembering now.

I signed the title over to Brian a few months ago. Brian thought I'd cry then. Nope. But I did today. His parents bought a battery and took it today. I cried a bit seeing my baby and all my memories roll away.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Gay Movie List

I belong to a group that has started a movie thread on gay movies. Just trying to keep up with what I've seen or want to see. There are several in here that I know I won't watch. But if others see this they might want to, so I've left them in.


 9 Dead Gay Guys


 10 Attitudes


 A Home at the End of the World


 A Single Man


 A Very British Sex Scandal


 A Very Natural Thing


 A Summer Dress (short)


 Adam & Steve


 Alkali, Iowa


 All Over the Guy --- was good, but damned if I can remember how it ended...


 Almost Normal


 An Angel Named Billy --- good story but bad dialogue, acting and music


 And The Band Played On --- more dealing with the arrival of HIV/Aids than romance


 An Englishman In New York --- interesting though I haven't seen the intro (The Naked Civil Servant)


 Angels In America


 Another Country --- took a look but it didn't catch my attention


 Another Gay Movie --- too beyond stupid to watch

 Back Soon --- unusual but very sweet, HEA kind of


 Beautiful Boxer --- wonderful story


 Beautiful Thing --- beautiful movie! HEA


 Bedrooms & Hallways --- a bit strange, but still pretty good


 Bent --- strange and no HEA


 Big Eden --- excellent!


 Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss --- not too bad, no real HEA


 Bishonen (Love Between Beautiful Youths)


 Borstol Boy


 Boy


 Boy Culture --- pretty good, HEA


 Boys Live 7 --- the only one I watched (almost) all of... think they're all depressing


 Breakfast with Scot --- very cute!


 Brokeback Mountain --- no HEA but a good story


 Camp --- sort of a coming of age movie


 Caravaggio


 Chicken Tikka Masala --- silly and funny, HEA


 Clapham Junction


 Coffee Date


 Cote D'Azur --- technically a HEA but a strange way to get there


 Coming Out --- cannot find with english subtitles


 Cowboys & Angels


 C.R.A.Z.Y. --- realistic, no real HEA, but the guy has peace


 Crutch


 David's Birthday --- total side-swiping ending! 


 Defying Gravity --- a bit sweet, a bit sad, HEA


 Denied --- kind of an open ending, not a bad film


 Different For Girls --- post-op female, a bit strange, HEA


 DO COMEÇO AO FIM --- for some, possibly a forbidden movie, HEA


 Dorian Blues --- ok, but the ending was anti-climatic


 Dream Boy --- good movie, but no HEA


 Du Er Ikke Alene (You Are Not Alone) --- unusual, possibly forbidden, sort of HEA


 Dog Tags 


 East Side Story


 Eating Out --- caved and watched it, it's actually good!

 Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds --- took two tries to watch, but worth it!

 Eating Out: All You Can Eat --- silly and cute

 Eating Out: Drama Camp --- sweet and cute


 Eden's Curve --- told no HEA, but haven't seen


 Edge of Seventeen --- not really an HEA, but the guy comes out ok.


 Eleven Men Out


 Eyes Wide Open --- knew an ending I wouldn't like was coming so didn't watch it all


 Fashion Victims


 Fish Out Of Water --- discusses whether homosexuality is actually a sin or not


 Fit --- examines the appearance of gay or straight, insightful, excellent movie


 Food Of Love


 For a Lost Soldier --- strangely sweet if forbidden


 Formula 17


 Fucking Different (short collection) --- CANNOT find anywhere online!!


 Get Real --- not bad


 Get Your Stuff --- very cute, HEA


 Girls Will Be Girls


 Gohatto (Taboo) --- um, not real sure how it ended, kind of confusing


 Gone But Not Forgotten


 Head On --- strange, not sure what the point really was, a bit sad


 Hedwig and the Angry Inch


 I think I Do


 In the Gloaming --- told HIV/Aids no HEA


 Is it Just Me? --- silly, but cute


 Jeffrey --- HIV/Aids, HEA


 Judas Kiss


 Just A Question of Love --- very real and touching


 Just One Time (1999)


 Kick Off --- campy, odd-ball, some sweet parts, sort of HEA


 Kinky Boots


 Kiss Me Guido


 Kiss The Bride


 La Mission


 Lan Yu


 Latter Days --- very cute, HEA


 Leather Jacket Love Story --- want to see but can't find online


 Leo's Room --- sweet, sort of HEA


 Lilies


 Long Term Relationship


 Longtime Companion --- HIV/Aids HEA of sorts, well made, similar to And The Band Played On


 Love! Valour! Compassion! --- funny, bittersweet, sad, beautiful


 Love of Siam --- very engrossing and sweet


 Love Songs


 Luster


 Make the Yuletide Gay --- really cute holiday movie! HEA


 Making Love


 Mambo Italiano


 Mandragora --- cannot find with english subtitles


 Mango Souffle


 Maurice


 Milk


 My Beautiful Launderette --- tried to watch it. didn't catch my attention


 My Own Private Idaho --- odd, no HEA


 Mysterious Skin --- disturbing story on coming to grips with being a sexually abused child, well made, very realistic


 Oh Happy Day --- a bit strange, but really cute, HEA 


 One To Another --- strangely disturbing, but not bad


 Paragraph 175 --- documentary, touching and heart-wrenching


 Parabens


 Parting Glances


 Patrik, 1.5 --- want to see but can't find online


 Philadelphia (1993)


 Plan B --- HEA


 Plata Quemada (Burnt Money)


 Poster Boy --- interesting story on politics and homosexuality, HEA of sorts


 Prayers for Bobby --- won't watch it, suicide and how a religious mother deals with it


 Prick Up Your Ears


 Presque Rien (Come Undone) --- cannot find with english subtitles


 Priest --- not bad but I'd have liked a happier ending


 Priscilla, Queen of the Desert


 Prodigal Sons --- disturbing and strange


 Quinceanera --- a mix of english and spanish with no subtitles, can't understand enough of it


 Rainbow Boys/Right By Me --- cannot find online or torrent!!


 Redwoods


 Regarding Billy


 Relax... It's Just Sex --- funny, sad, serious, a bit of it all


 Rock Haven --- it's got its cute moments, but no HEA


 Role/Play --- cute, funny, HEA


 Save Me --- better than I expected, HEA


 Say Uncle


 Sebastian --- cannot find this one under this title, possibly the Adventures of Sebastian Cole, but not sure


 Seth et Holth


 Shank


 Shelter --- sweet, HEA


 Shortbus --- beautiful, sad, funny, compelling, deep, exploratory, provocative, SO not what I expected!

 Sommersturm (Summerstorm) --- very sweet, sort of HEA


 Sordid Lives


 Stonewall (1995)


 Straight Jacket


 Straightman


 Strapped --- weird but not bad


 Struggle --- sad


 Sugar


 Sunday, Bloody Sunday


 Tan Lines --- I'm actually at a loss to describe this except... fucked up ending to the relationship!


 Taxi Zum Klo (Taxi To The Toilet) --- um... weird...


 That's What I Am --- more about tolerance than anything


 The Best Of Boys In Love --- strange... just strange...


 The Big Gay Musical --- musical part is hilarious and the rest is very real and sweet


 The Birdcage


 The Boys In The Band --- tried to watch it but too campy and silly for my taste


 The Broken Hearts Club --- sweet and funny


 The Bubble


 The Celluloid Closet (Documentary)


 The Crying Game --- sad, no HEA


 The Curiousity of Chance --- very cute, sweet, HEA


 The Hanging Garden


 The Houseboy --- no HEA shown, but leaves you hopeful for one


 The Line of Beauty


 The Man I Love --- want to see, but haven't found yet


 The Man Who Loved Yngve


 The Mostly Unfabulous Life Of Ethan Green --- very nice but a bit weird, HEA


 The Singing Forest


 The Sum of Us --- several sad parts, but overall a good movie, HEA of sorts


 The Trip


 The Wedding Banquet --- it was ok. HEA but still...


 The Wolves of Kromer --- rather cute, sort of sad, sort of weird, HEA in a strange way


 Three 


 Times Have Been Better --- want to see, but cannot find with english subtitles


 Torch Song Trilogy


 To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar


 Trage Liefde


 Trick --- kind of campy, but cute, HEA


 Trio (three Michael J Saul shorts)


 True Love (group of short stories)


 Twist --- dark and sad


 Un Jour D'Ete (A Day In Summer)


 Velvet Goldmine --- not sure if it's a HEA or not, but still, very interesting


 War Stories


 Were The World Mine --- it was actually good! 


 Wilde


 Worried About The Boy --- about Boy George


 XXY --- didn't like it, no real resolution either good or bad


 You'll Get Over It --- very sweet, a coming out story with a HEA


 Yossi & Jagger --- interesting story, no HEA






SHORT MOVIES:


 (I've watched all of these. If there's no comment afterwards, it was an ok film. Most I watched on Youtube, but some were on other sites like Alluc, Putlocker, Dailymotion, etc.)


 41 Seconds --- hilarious


 Achilles


 After


 A Hundred and Eleven --- break up movie, but sweet


 Amor Crudo


 Basketball & Math --- kind of sweet


 Benny's Gym


 Boys Grammar --- kind of confusing


 Breakfast --- don't get it


 Café com Leite (Coffee with Milk)


 Chicken --- so sad


 Coffee --- funny and very cute!


 Connected --- don't get it


 Davy & Stu 


 Dear Friend


 Dish


 Doorman --- sad and a bit cruel


 Doors Cut Down


 Fair Play --- sad


 Gabriel & Leo --- very cute and sweet!


 Heart --- confronting his ex about getting married


 Heartland


 Housemates


 Into The Night


 James --- so very sad


 Judas Kiss --- strange and rather depressing


 Kali Ma


 Late Summer --- sad but very poignant


 Lucky Blue


 Park Bench --- looks good, but sad


 Protect Me From What I Want --- sweet, hopeful


 Omar --- being outed, sweet


 Rock Bottom --- another kind of don't get it


 Running Without Sound


 Safe Journey


 Secrets --- rather sweet, HEA of sorts


 Silver Road


 Stand Up --- excellent short on the power of standing up against bullying


 Summer


 Summer Blues --- sweet and a bit innocent


 Take Out --- kind of strange


 That Thing We Do


 The Burning Boy --- sad


 The Young Prime Minister 


 Thermopylae --- don't get it


 Trevor


 What Grown-Ups Know --- nothing happy


 Who We Are --- cute, HEA


 You Can't Curry Favor --- very romantic, HEA


 You, Me and Him