Monday, April 23, 2012

Bye Girl

In September or so 1997, I bought a car. A used 1991 Chevrolet Cavalier. The memories that car holds for me. The furthest I've driven from home, north (Pineville) and south (Sumter) were in that car. First time I gave/got a hand job. First time I damned near got caught drunk driving. First time I drove in snow. In one way or another, I drove that car to meet every guy I've ever been with. I paid about $6000 for her and put about $2000 or more in her over the years to keep her going. I sat in the parking lot at work peeling the clear coat off when it started chipping. Gods only know how many other things with that car were a first and I'm just not remembering now.

I signed the title over to Brian a few months ago. Brian thought I'd cry then. Nope. But I did today. His parents bought a battery and took it today. I cried a bit seeing my baby and all my memories roll away.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Gay Movie List

I belong to a group that has started a movie thread on gay movies. Just trying to keep up with what I've seen or want to see. There are several in here that I know I won't watch. But if others see this they might want to, so I've left them in.

 9 Dead Gay Guys

 10 Attitudes

 A Home at the End of the World

 A Single Man

 A Very British Sex Scandal

 A Very Natural Thing

 A Summer Dress (short)

 Adam & Steve

 Alkali, Iowa

 All Over the Guy --- was good, but damned if I can remember how it ended...

 Almost Normal

 An Angel Named Billy --- good story but bad dialogue, acting and music

 And The Band Played On --- more dealing with the arrival of HIV/Aids than romance

 An Englishman In New York --- interesting though I haven't seen the intro (The Naked Civil Servant)

 Angels In America

 Another Country --- took a look but it didn't catch my attention

 Another Gay Movie --- too beyond stupid to watch

 Back Soon --- unusual but very sweet, HEA kind of

 Beautiful Boxer --- wonderful story

 Beautiful Thing --- beautiful movie! HEA

 Bedrooms & Hallways --- a bit strange, but still pretty good

 Bent --- strange and no HEA

 Big Eden --- excellent!

 Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss --- not too bad, no real HEA

 Bishonen (Love Between Beautiful Youths)

 Borstol Boy


 Boy Culture --- pretty good, HEA

 Boys Live 7 --- the only one I watched (almost) all of... think they're all depressing

 Breakfast with Scot --- very cute!

 Brokeback Mountain --- no HEA but a good story

 Camp --- sort of a coming of age movie


 Chicken Tikka Masala --- silly and funny, HEA

 Clapham Junction

 Coffee Date

 Cote D'Azur --- technically a HEA but a strange way to get there

 Coming Out --- cannot find with english subtitles

 Cowboys & Angels

 C.R.A.Z.Y. --- realistic, no real HEA, but the guy has peace


 David's Birthday --- total side-swiping ending! 

 Defying Gravity --- a bit sweet, a bit sad, HEA

 Denied --- kind of an open ending, not a bad film

 Different For Girls --- post-op female, a bit strange, HEA

 DO COMEÇO AO FIM --- for some, possibly a forbidden movie, HEA

 Dorian Blues --- ok, but the ending was anti-climatic

 Dream Boy --- good movie, but no HEA

 Du Er Ikke Alene (You Are Not Alone) --- unusual, possibly forbidden, sort of HEA

 Dog Tags 

 East Side Story

 Eating Out --- caved and watched it, it's actually good!

 Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds --- took two tries to watch, but worth it!

 Eating Out: All You Can Eat --- silly and cute

 Eating Out: Drama Camp --- sweet and cute

 Eden's Curve --- told no HEA, but haven't seen

 Edge of Seventeen --- not really an HEA, but the guy comes out ok.

 Eleven Men Out

 Eyes Wide Open --- knew an ending I wouldn't like was coming so didn't watch it all

 Fashion Victims

 Fish Out Of Water --- discusses whether homosexuality is actually a sin or not

 Fit --- examines the appearance of gay or straight, insightful, excellent movie

 Food Of Love

 For a Lost Soldier --- strangely sweet if forbidden

 Formula 17

 Fucking Different (short collection) --- CANNOT find anywhere online!!

 Get Real --- not bad

 Get Your Stuff --- very cute, HEA

 Girls Will Be Girls

 Gohatto (Taboo) --- um, not real sure how it ended, kind of confusing

 Gone But Not Forgotten

 Head On --- strange, not sure what the point really was, a bit sad

 Hedwig and the Angry Inch

 I think I Do

 In the Gloaming --- told HIV/Aids no HEA

 Is it Just Me? --- silly, but cute

 Jeffrey --- HIV/Aids, HEA

 Judas Kiss

 Just A Question of Love --- very real and touching

 Just One Time (1999)

 Kick Off --- campy, odd-ball, some sweet parts, sort of HEA

 Kinky Boots

 Kiss Me Guido

 Kiss The Bride

 La Mission

 Lan Yu

 Latter Days --- very cute, HEA

 Leather Jacket Love Story --- want to see but can't find online

 Leo's Room --- sweet, sort of HEA


 Long Term Relationship

 Longtime Companion --- HIV/Aids HEA of sorts, well made, similar to And The Band Played On

 Love! Valour! Compassion! --- funny, bittersweet, sad, beautiful

 Love of Siam --- very engrossing and sweet

 Love Songs


 Make the Yuletide Gay --- really cute holiday movie! HEA

 Making Love

 Mambo Italiano

 Mandragora --- cannot find with english subtitles

 Mango Souffle



 My Beautiful Launderette --- tried to watch it. didn't catch my attention

 My Own Private Idaho --- odd, no HEA

 Mysterious Skin --- disturbing story on coming to grips with being a sexually abused child, well made, very realistic

 Oh Happy Day --- a bit strange, but really cute, HEA 

 One To Another --- strangely disturbing, but not bad

 Paragraph 175 --- documentary, touching and heart-wrenching


 Parting Glances

 Patrik, 1.5 --- want to see but can't find online

 Philadelphia (1993)

 Plan B --- HEA

 Plata Quemada (Burnt Money)

 Poster Boy --- interesting story on politics and homosexuality, HEA of sorts

 Prayers for Bobby --- won't watch it, suicide and how a religious mother deals with it

 Prick Up Your Ears

 Presque Rien (Come Undone) --- cannot find with english subtitles

 Priest --- not bad but I'd have liked a happier ending

 Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

 Prodigal Sons --- disturbing and strange

 Quinceanera --- a mix of english and spanish with no subtitles, can't understand enough of it

 Rainbow Boys/Right By Me --- cannot find online or torrent!!


 Regarding Billy

 Relax... It's Just Sex --- funny, sad, serious, a bit of it all

 Rock Haven --- it's got its cute moments, but no HEA

 Role/Play --- cute, funny, HEA

 Save Me --- better than I expected, HEA

 Say Uncle

 Sebastian --- cannot find this one under this title, possibly the Adventures of Sebastian Cole, but not sure

 Seth et Holth


 Shelter --- sweet, HEA

 Shortbus --- beautiful, sad, funny, compelling, deep, exploratory, provocative, SO not what I expected!

 Sommersturm (Summerstorm) --- very sweet, sort of HEA

 Sordid Lives

 Stonewall (1995)

 Straight Jacket


 Strapped --- weird but not bad

 Struggle --- sad


 Sunday, Bloody Sunday

 Tan Lines --- I'm actually at a loss to describe this except... fucked up ending to the relationship!

 Taxi Zum Klo (Taxi To The Toilet) --- um... weird...

 That's What I Am --- more about tolerance than anything

 The Best Of Boys In Love --- strange... just strange...

 The Big Gay Musical --- musical part is hilarious and the rest is very real and sweet

 The Birdcage

 The Boys In The Band --- tried to watch it but too campy and silly for my taste

 The Broken Hearts Club --- sweet and funny

 The Bubble

 The Celluloid Closet (Documentary)

 The Crying Game --- sad, no HEA

 The Curiousity of Chance --- very cute, sweet, HEA

 The Hanging Garden

 The Houseboy --- no HEA shown, but leaves you hopeful for one

 The Line of Beauty

 The Man I Love --- want to see, but haven't found yet

 The Man Who Loved Yngve

 The Mostly Unfabulous Life Of Ethan Green --- very nice but a bit weird, HEA

 The Singing Forest

 The Sum of Us --- several sad parts, but overall a good movie, HEA of sorts

 The Trip

 The Wedding Banquet --- it was ok. HEA but still...

 The Wolves of Kromer --- rather cute, sort of sad, sort of weird, HEA in a strange way


 Times Have Been Better --- want to see, but cannot find with english subtitles

 Torch Song Trilogy

 To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar

 Trage Liefde

 Trick --- kind of campy, but cute, HEA

 Trio (three Michael J Saul shorts)

 True Love (group of short stories)

 Twist --- dark and sad

 Un Jour D'Ete (A Day In Summer)

 Velvet Goldmine --- not sure if it's a HEA or not, but still, very interesting

 War Stories

 Were The World Mine --- it was actually good! 


 Worried About The Boy --- about Boy George

 XXY --- didn't like it, no real resolution either good or bad

 You'll Get Over It --- very sweet, a coming out story with a HEA

 Yossi & Jagger --- interesting story, no HEA


 (I've watched all of these. If there's no comment afterwards, it was an ok film. Most I watched on Youtube, but some were on other sites like Alluc, Putlocker, Dailymotion, etc.)

 41 Seconds --- hilarious



 A Hundred and Eleven --- break up movie, but sweet

 Amor Crudo

 Basketball & Math --- kind of sweet

 Benny's Gym

 Boys Grammar --- kind of confusing

 Breakfast --- don't get it

 Café com Leite (Coffee with Milk)

 Chicken --- so sad

 Coffee --- funny and very cute!

 Connected --- don't get it

 Davy & Stu 

 Dear Friend


 Doorman --- sad and a bit cruel

 Doors Cut Down

 Fair Play --- sad

 Gabriel & Leo --- very cute and sweet!

 Heart --- confronting his ex about getting married



 Into The Night

 James --- so very sad

 Judas Kiss --- strange and rather depressing

 Kali Ma

 Late Summer --- sad but very poignant

 Lucky Blue

 Park Bench --- looks good, but sad

 Protect Me From What I Want --- sweet, hopeful

 Omar --- being outed, sweet

 Rock Bottom --- another kind of don't get it

 Running Without Sound

 Safe Journey

 Secrets --- rather sweet, HEA of sorts

 Silver Road

 Stand Up --- excellent short on the power of standing up against bullying


 Summer Blues --- sweet and a bit innocent

 Take Out --- kind of strange

 That Thing We Do

 The Burning Boy --- sad

 The Young Prime Minister 

 Thermopylae --- don't get it


 What Grown-Ups Know --- nothing happy

 Who We Are --- cute, HEA

 You Can't Curry Favor --- very romantic, HEA

 You, Me and Him

Monday, April 16, 2012

Work People

I think I mentioned in my last post about people I work with. Shallow, red-neck, homophobic... etc. I've had it shown to me this last week, thank gods, that not everyone is that way. Let me talk about two of them.

One, a guy, was working in my area a couple weeks ago. It's the first time I've spent an extended amount of time around the guy. I like discussions on unusual issues and held true to form. We talked about different stuff and music became one. As I'm a fan of Adam Lambert, I brought him up. Of course, the guy uses one or two derogatory terms... typical. In the general conversation, he brought up something that had happened to him. Let's call him Jim. Jim's in a bar, drunk as shit, talking to some guy. Then his brother calls him over and Jim is so drunk he only picks up a few words of what his brother is saying. Those words are "queer" and "sitting next to you". Then the guy he'd been talking to comes over and puts his hand on his shoulder and tries to continue their conversation. Jim knocks the crap out of him.

HOW does this make sense? This other guy hadn't done anything wrong. Jim also tells me about his uncle (with the disclaimer he'd NEVER do anything like this) and how he and his friends used to get guys they thought were gay to go camping or something with them. Then they'd zip them in their sleeping bag and beat them. Wish like hell I had more info cuz I'd sure as fuck call and inform their local police!! Unfortunately, I think this is stuff that happened many years ago. At least that's the impression I got.

And there is the first example. Now to the better one.

A new girl started last week. To start with, I thought I was being stuck with some bitch that was going to make my night miserable. I've seen what happens when you give someone a chance and open up a bit.

She explained it to me. I outrank her and as a new hire, they've been warned to be wary of us. (Sucks to work where I do). When another supervisor came in and she saw how I interacted with him, she thought I was ok. But then again, this is another supervisor I'm talking to, not someone her rank. Then another girl comes in, same rank as the new girl (call her Gayle), and I talk the same way with her. This makes Gayle open up a bit and we start getting to know each other. Her best friend is a gay guy (mine is a gay girl), she's Wiccan, I'm pagan (not a huge difference really), we understand each other SO well! We've both had the thought it is shocking we aren't related. I've found we differ on music a bit and on personal preferences. She's a dominant personality and I'm submissive. And she doesn't like guys in makeup... she says it's not right for a guy to be prettier than her... lol!!

It's amazed me that I feel I've made a friend!! But there's a catch. We work together. We have a "law" at work there can be no romantic/intimate relationships between co-workers. Unfortunately, this now seems to also encompass friendships to a degree. Camaraderie at work is already in the gutter... discouraging friendship among the staff does NOT help the situation.

Gayle's got her best friend coming down here too. I'd thought maybe getting to know her maybe we could hang out. With her friend coming, I could get to know him too. What if someone sees us hanging out? She's new and it could jeopardize her job. It's not like there's anything between us because neither of us swings that way and she's got a family. But I'm seeing what I thought would be a new friendship fail before it even starts.

It breaks my heart. I'm only around the people I work with. Who would I hang out with outside work, maybe go places with where I could meet new people? The answer is no one. I stay home. Alone. With 10 cats.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Strange Things

Yes, this post will ramble greatly.

I have a tendency to get attached to stuff. Back when I first started doing online chat, I was religious about being in the room at certain times and meeting with my friends. I've even attended "online" drinking parties. When I started with Catster, I was in there constantly. When I started with Facebook, again, I was in there ALL the time. I guess it's a type of obsessive issue. About a year ago, I found something called Yaoi. It's basically gay Japanese manga/anime. It's been years since I had any friends like that, but I always enjoyed the company of gay men. For the most part they have such open and enjoyable natures. Like everyone, there are moments of depression or anger, but in general I've always liked being around them. Finding this genre of writing thrilled me. Then a friend introduced me to the American version (sort of). Male/Male erotic romance. And here we go again.

I do NOT like romance because I always see it as something I can't have. I've never seen myself settling down, marrying, having kids, the whole nine yards like most girls. But, I'm still a romantic, of sorts, so I do want to read about it. M/M gives me the perfect outlet. I'm ok knowing I'll never have what I read, because, hey, I'm a girl, but I can enjoy the wonder of romance again. And I've thrown myself into it, deeply. Also, it got me to missing the circle of friends I used to have.

When I was in college, one of the girls I hung with was bi-sexual and most of the guys were gay. My best friend recently found a woman she's happy with as well, though in school she never revealed herself to be inclined that way. Kind of pisses me off because, straight or not, I had a little thing for her in college. It's those people I miss, or that type anyway. Open, friendly, accepting, fun... none of what I'm around these days. Most people where I work are closed minded, homophobic or just generally not accepting of things that are different.

True, most are ok with me. I'm not christian and that gives some pause, but they don't judge me for it. But I get strange looks when I talk about whatever I'm reading at the moment or watching-found SO many beautiful gay romance movies or shorts. And now my musical likes are coming into play.

This was my intro to Adam Lambert:

Purely by chance, I came across Adam Lambert. Gods, this guy is hot. And his music is wonderful!! This is the type of stuff I truly enjoy listening to. It's not depressing or disturbing. It's deep but fun, bouncy and totally enjoyable. The fact that I have a thing for his type doesn't hurt. Tall, lean, pierced, tats, makeup... ~sigh~ And him making out with that sexy as hell bassist is just too hot for words, though the bassist is straight. And there is my dream guy. Someone so secure in their sexuality, they're not afraid to do something like that. Tommy Joe Ratliff may wear makeup, he may kiss a man in public, but he's a better man than most I know. A man that doesn't follow what society says is correct, but does what he wants.

Only thing is, these men are few and far between. And even if I met one, I've got so many issues of my own, could I get him? Would I want to? How is it possible to want a relationship with a guy and yet be scared of the same thing? And I have no idea where this post is going really.

A friend of mine, who would be perfect if he were gay, keeps trying to convince me I'm worth something. I say "perfect if he were gay" because that would make him safe. I SO miss having a friend I can talk about anything with or act just any way around and not have to worry about anything being taken wrong. I adore my friend, but I'm not attracted to him. That makes me wary sometimes because I don't want anything I say or do taken the wrong way.

I only know one guy I can be this way with and he's... unavailable. Work prevents us from even being friends anymore pretty much. With us, the attraction goes both ways AND I can talk with him about absolutely anything. I miss him deeply. Lately, this had led me to really wishing I had gay male friends so I could have that closeness with someone again, even if not physically. I miss being me. I miss having the freedom to not care what others think or say. It's actually had me in tears a few times recently realizing exactly how lonely and pitiful I am.