Yes, this post will ramble greatly.
I have a tendency to get attached to stuff. Back when I first started doing online chat, I was religious about being in the room at certain times and meeting with my friends. I've even attended "online" drinking parties. When I started with Catster, I was in there constantly. When I started with Facebook, again, I was in there ALL the time. I guess it's a type of obsessive issue. About a year ago, I found something called Yaoi. It's basically gay Japanese manga/anime. It's been years since I had any friends like that, but I always enjoyed the company of gay men. For the most part they have such open and enjoyable natures. Like everyone, there are moments of depression or anger, but in general I've always liked being around them. Finding this genre of writing thrilled me. Then a friend introduced me to the American version (sort of). Male/Male erotic romance. And here we go again.
I do NOT like romance because I always see it as something I can't have. I've never seen myself settling down, marrying, having kids, the whole nine yards like most girls. But, I'm still a romantic, of sorts, so I do want to read about it. M/M gives me the perfect outlet. I'm ok knowing I'll never have what I read, because, hey, I'm a girl, but I can enjoy the wonder of romance again. And I've thrown myself into it, deeply. Also, it got me to missing the circle of friends I used to have.
When I was in college, one of the girls I hung with was bi-sexual and most of the guys were gay. My best friend recently found a woman she's happy with as well, though in school she never revealed herself to be inclined that way. Kind of pisses me off because, straight or not, I had a little thing for her in college. It's those people I miss, or that type anyway. Open, friendly, accepting, fun... none of what I'm around these days. Most people where I work are closed minded, homophobic or just generally not accepting of things that are different.
True, most are ok with me. I'm not christian and that gives some pause, but they don't judge me for it. But I get strange looks when I talk about whatever I'm reading at the moment or watching-found SO many beautiful gay romance movies or shorts. And now my musical likes are coming into play.
This was my intro to Adam Lambert:
Purely by chance, I came across Adam Lambert. Gods, this guy is hot. And his music is wonderful!! This is the type of stuff I truly enjoy listening to. It's not depressing or disturbing. It's deep but fun, bouncy and totally enjoyable. The fact that I have a thing for his type doesn't hurt. Tall, lean, pierced, tats, makeup... ~sigh~ And him making out with that sexy as hell bassist is just too hot for words, though the bassist is straight. And there is my dream guy. Someone so secure in their sexuality, they're not afraid to do something like that. Tommy Joe Ratliff may wear makeup, he may kiss a man in public, but he's a better man than most I know. A man that doesn't follow what society says is correct, but does what he wants.
Only thing is, these men are few and far between. And even if I met one, I've got so many issues of my own, could I get him? Would I want to? How is it possible to want a relationship with a guy and yet be scared of the same thing? And I have no idea where this post is going really.
A friend of mine, who would be perfect if he were gay, keeps trying to convince me I'm worth something. I say "perfect if he were gay" because that would make him safe. I SO miss having a friend I can talk about anything with or act just any way around and not have to worry about anything being taken wrong. I adore my friend, but I'm not attracted to him. That makes me wary sometimes because I don't want anything I say or do taken the wrong way.
I only know one guy I can be this way with and he's... unavailable. Work prevents us from even being friends anymore pretty much. With us, the attraction goes both ways AND I can talk with him about absolutely anything. I miss him deeply. Lately, this had led me to really wishing I had gay male friends so I could have that closeness with someone again, even if not physically. I miss being me. I miss having the freedom to not care what others think or say. It's actually had me in tears a few times recently realizing exactly how lonely and pitiful I am.