Saturday, December 3, 2011


I'm still wondering how hard all this is going to be without Mitchell around. Thanksgiving went ok, but I worry about Christmas.

There's the obligatory underwear shopping that won't happen. Mama ALWAYS bought Mitchell new underwear, socks and tshirts at Christmas... lol! It was one thing he looked forward to. ;)

My sister and I sometimes bought him gag stuff, like the fake toenails we got him after he'd had a few removed due to his diabetes.

We won't be receiving any gifts wrapped in paper bags or wrapped lumpily with homemade name tags.

There won't be any jokes about how many gifts my cats get, even though he bought them something too.

There's so much there WON'T be.

Sometimes it still doesn't seem real.

When the ventilator was turned off that Monday morning, I wasn't there. I was too terrified he'd breathe on his own and then we wouldn't know what to do. Mitchell never wanted to be that way, just lingering. Debbie and I said our goodbyes that Sunday and told him it was ok for him to go. As much as it kills me to see my sister cry, I was thankful. She was being so strong for everyone I was scared for her. Seeing her lose it helped me a bit. She was there when he passed. I was home with mama. Mama couldn't do it either. Debbie said it wasn't 10 minutes before he was gone. He knew we were ok with him leaving I think.

When it came time for the visitation, I was shocked. I swear I expected him to open is eyes and sit up, like one of his Halloween pranks. It would have been easier for me if he'd actually LOOKED dead. He looked asleep. Like there wasn't a thing in the world wrong with him. How the fuck can someone look so healthy and be dead? Why did it have to be my brother? Why couldn't it have been a Halloween prank? Gotta stop now