Wednesday, August 21, 2013

I Saw the Reflection

Walking into the hospital where my mother was about to have another catheterization, I saw my reflection in the glass.

Not too long ago, I got rid of the majority of my clothes. I've faced that they'll never fit again. I sold what I could at a yard sale and donated the rest. Nice clothes, worn out clothes, fancy bras, and beautiful heels. Some stuff barely worn. One item still with the tag. Some shoes in boxes with barely a scuff. Fat people don't dress fancy.

A lady at the yard sale traded me a bunch of her stuff for mine so I got several items in larger sizes. Some really pretty stuff. Thing is, the neck is larger and my bra shows. I'm not quite the size needed to fill a few of them out. No biggie. I'll probably get there whether I want to or not. Most of the pants and capris fit. But I know capris look stupid on fat people. Still. They fit.

Bought a few things on ebay too. Got a tshirt, on a site, that the image on it is made by a writer friend. So I've got clothes that fit me now.

I knew the day would be a long one, so I wore a set of dark blue capris. The back of them is really, really baggy. Despite my size, I have no butt whatsoever. Thanks Daddy. And I wore a white top that has little cartoon hearts and stuff on it. Didn't look too bad and it was comfortable for all the sitting and waiting I'd be doing.

Then I saw the reflection when I walked into the hospital. I wanted to run back home and hide. It's not a new feeling. Dieting does nothing for me. Diet medicine does nothing after one round built up a tolerance in my system after three months. Exercise is damned near impossible. After 16 years in my job, my feet and ankles are shot. One knee is bad and the other is going to follow soon. My back bothers me to the point I don't even sleep in my own bed anymore. I sleep in a recliner.

Between this, and genetics, I'm screwed. I remember when I had a jaw line. Now I hate pictures of myself. I remember when I had a waist line. Now I try not to look in full length mirrors. I remember when getting laid wasn't a miracle.

I've never been small. The least I've weighed as an adult was 180 lbs. That was after nine months in college and some serious use of speed-type pills. But now I have a job that does drug tests. Can't go there anymore. It might show and then I'd be out of work. I've smoked for years, but now it's more a way to not eat to at least not completely turn into a whale. A hippo's ass is big enough. That's what I saw in the reflection.

Today was the follow-up appointment for my mother and I was going to go with her. I wore the jeans I'd gotten on ebay. Boot cut, but they don't look too awful. And the tshirt I got with my friend's cartoon pic on it. It says "Beautifully f*cked up never looked so good." It has the star, not the full word. Mama doesn't like it, but I'm trying not to look too bad in public. Normal people don't like seeing fat people. If I wear something kind of loose, maybe it'll just look like big clothes and not a big person. Mama got all ill that I was wearing it. I was trying to look halfway decent to be seen in public with her, but guess I failed. Guess the reflection doesn't care what I wear. It'll never be good enough.