Wednesday, August 21, 2013

I Saw the Reflection

Walking into the hospital where my mother was about to have another catheterization, I saw my reflection in the glass.

Not too long ago, I got rid of the majority of my clothes. I've faced that they'll never fit again. I sold what I could at a yard sale and donated the rest. Nice clothes, worn out clothes, fancy bras, and beautiful heels. Some stuff barely worn. One item still with the tag. Some shoes in boxes with barely a scuff. Fat people don't dress fancy.

A lady at the yard sale traded me a bunch of her stuff for mine so I got several items in larger sizes. Some really pretty stuff. Thing is, the neck is larger and my bra shows. I'm not quite the size needed to fill a few of them out. No biggie. I'll probably get there whether I want to or not. Most of the pants and capris fit. But I know capris look stupid on fat people. Still. They fit.

Bought a few things on ebay too. Got a tshirt, on a site, that the image on it is made by a writer friend. So I've got clothes that fit me now.

I knew the day would be a long one, so I wore a set of dark blue capris. The back of them is really, really baggy. Despite my size, I have no butt whatsoever. Thanks Daddy. And I wore a white top that has little cartoon hearts and stuff on it. Didn't look too bad and it was comfortable for all the sitting and waiting I'd be doing.

Then I saw the reflection when I walked into the hospital. I wanted to run back home and hide. It's not a new feeling. Dieting does nothing for me. Diet medicine does nothing after one round built up a tolerance in my system after three months. Exercise is damned near impossible. After 16 years in my job, my feet and ankles are shot. One knee is bad and the other is going to follow soon. My back bothers me to the point I don't even sleep in my own bed anymore. I sleep in a recliner.

Between this, and genetics, I'm screwed. I remember when I had a jaw line. Now I hate pictures of myself. I remember when I had a waist line. Now I try not to look in full length mirrors. I remember when getting laid wasn't a miracle.

I've never been small. The least I've weighed as an adult was 180 lbs. That was after nine months in college and some serious use of speed-type pills. But now I have a job that does drug tests. Can't go there anymore. It might show and then I'd be out of work. I've smoked for years, but now it's more a way to not eat to at least not completely turn into a whale. A hippo's ass is big enough. That's what I saw in the reflection.

Today was the follow-up appointment for my mother and I was going to go with her. I wore the jeans I'd gotten on ebay. Boot cut, but they don't look too awful. And the tshirt I got with my friend's cartoon pic on it. It says "Beautifully f*cked up never looked so good." It has the star, not the full word. Mama doesn't like it, but I'm trying not to look too bad in public. Normal people don't like seeing fat people. If I wear something kind of loose, maybe it'll just look like big clothes and not a big person. Mama got all ill that I was wearing it. I was trying to look halfway decent to be seen in public with her, but guess I failed. Guess the reflection doesn't care what I wear. It'll never be good enough.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Trans and Gender Non-Conforming Kids

I came across a blog several weeks ago. Raising My Rainbow. It's the story of life with a gender non-conforming child. It's wonderfully written and an amazing peek inside the world of a family trying to let their child be what she wants. It got me looking around and I came across a few more sites. He Sparkles and Trans Kids Purple Rainbow. He Sparkles is about another gender non-conforming child who was born a male, but prefers feminine things and behaving as a female, like Raising My Rainbow. The Purple Rainbow is geared more towards children who literally feel they were born into the wrong body, that a mistake was made somewhere along the line.

I don't have biological children. I never will. But I find myself thinking of if I did have a baby. What would I want for them? I'd want them to be able to be anything they wanted in life. I saw an article a while back about tweets that people wrote to their (potential) children saying they would kill them if they were gay. I know it must be hard for the parents of a gay, non-conforming, or transgender child, but I also see so much joy. To have a child so wonderfully unique! To see them come to know themselves and be who they feel they are inside. I cannot imagine being a parent who rejects their child when confronted with something a little outside the norm.

Reading these blogs and articles, I imagine that once the parents accepted who their child says they are, there had to be so many wonderful moments. A 20/20 with Barbara Walters talked about the first time a dad took his biologically male daughter shopping for girl clothes and the joy she expressed at finally, finally being able to be who she felt she was. Not only did these people bring a new life into this world, they're now able to help that life find it's way in so many more ways than if they solely identified with their biological sex. The difficulties the children have to deal with are things no child should have to suffer, trans or not. To have parents that stand by them, support them, and love them is such a blessing.

I know this post may be a bit confusing, but I've just found myself thinking over the last few weeks how wonderful it must be to have a child like this. A child so special and one-of-a-kind.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Homemade Thousand Island Dressing

You can't put something on Pinterest unless it's already on the web. ;)

I remember making this as a kid. Cheaper than buying a bottle. These days, I make it because what comes in a bottle just doesn't taste right. It always seems to taste like vinegar to me. So I thought I'd share. :) I've got a niece who doesn't even like Thousand Island dressing and she'll eat this!

No precise measurements. You can just make it in proportion to approximately what I have listed. It's according to taste and the kind of mayo you use. A stronger tasting mayo may require a bit more ketchup to balance the taste.

2T mayonnaise
2t ketchup
1t dill pickle relish

Just put it all in a cup or bowl, mix, and pour on the salad. You can add a tiny bit of water if it's too thick for your liking. Depending on the size of your salad and how much dressing you like, that's enough for one or two salads... one for me.

(DUH! I actually LOOK and the next button over on Pinterest is to upload the thing... lol!)

Monday, January 21, 2013

Lilly Update

This is my Lilly. :) She looks big in this photo, but she's not. She's between 6 1/2 and 7 pounds, about three pounds below her normal weight. She's just really fluffy and kind of squinched up in my lap.

She's been through a rough year but it hanging in there. For a while, I thought I was going to have to let her go, but she's surprised me. While there isn't an exact diagnosis yet, she's being treated for hepatomegaly (enlarged liver) and cardiomegaly (enlarged heart). The heart issue is very recent, like two weeks ago. In addition to being on Reglan (anti-nausea), prednisolone (steroid) and a multi-vitamin, she's now on Enalapril. This is a vascular medication that opens her vessels so her heart isn't having to work so hard to pump blood. After months of watching her to see if she was still breathing, I was an expert on her breathing patterns. A week before her appointment, I'd noticed her breaths were quicker than normal and informed the vet. He seemed surprised I caught it so early, but it's a good thing. While her heart is slightly enlarged, there's no damage or major issues yet. She's on a very tiny dose of Enalapril, just .25ml. At least this one comes in chicken flavour... lol!